Funny joke

[surfjeepzx]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 

[surfjeepzx]

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.

''The pub called...you left your wheelchair again.''

 

[surfjeepzx]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely pooped my pants."

 

[surfjeepzx]

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

[surfjeepzx]

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Judi xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

 

[surfjeepzx]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

 

[surfjeepzx]

OK, I said I was done, but it's almost tomorrow anyway but I found this one funny:


The main call routing menu for a psychiatric help hotline:

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

f you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

 

[surfjeepzx]

BRAGGING RIGHTS...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in! the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

 

[cur10u5g30rg3]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes , " whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No .

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

 

[cowboyswife]

Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
*I don't even eat hot dogs and this bothers me.

Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
*Good question...I don't think that blind people drive

EVER WONDER....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
*I can close my mouth

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all of your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
*Because they are all rushing home?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while

 

[dugg]

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

 

[dugg]

Prescription For Love
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely notâ€"you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[InLimbo87]

:lol: love that last one dugg :lol:

 

[dugg]

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

 

[dugg]

A little guy is sitting at a counter eating breakfast. A big guy walks in and hits the little guy.

"That's a judo chop from Japan," he says, and then walks into the bathroom. The little guy gets up and sits back down to finish his breakfast. The big guy comes back out of the bathroom and hits the little guy again.

"That's a karate chop from Korea," he says. The little guy gets up and leaves the diner. The big guy sits down and orders breakfast.

As he starts to eat, the little guy comes running back through the door and knocks the big guy out. He looks at the waitress and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a tire iron from Sears."

 

[sunkool]

Grandma



The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...









"They won't let me fart."