None of that carnage is necessary
First find the tiniest mate you can. Be patient in this & hold out for the right one for 3 important reasons:
- It ensures you have a juvenile/male
- The female will be less distrustful of him
- He'll be small enough to fit through the holes of the eggcrate cage you will make
While you're waiting for the right candidate, begin preparations --- make an eggcrate cage (Something like 5x5 inches) - you can fasten it together with plastic ties and /or hot glue
Your ideal quarantine: A 10g on a table placed right up to the front glass of your main tank. Place the cage and the juvenile in the 10g. Try & feed him such that he has to enter the cage to get the food. That way he'll already be comfortable swimming in and out of it.
The quarantine period right in front of the female will:
- help her get used to the sight of him and help him earn her trust.
- Help ensure he doesn't start turning female during quarantine, since there will be interaction between them through the glass
- Acclimate him to the cage, you can even train him to seek refuge there by gently chasing him into it with your hand (though probably not necessary ---they learn pretty fast the hard way inside the tank with the female---still, anything you can do to prepare him in advance is good)
- Accomplishes quarantine and helps the little male strengthen up during this time for the upcoming challenge, which is potentially the fight of his life

If you don't have a small enough quarantine or a 10g sized tank for this. Think of it as the cost of the fish. Many folks buy fish that cost way more than the combined expense of a 10g, small heater, small powerhead and a sheet of eggcrate. (Use water from your main tank)
When it's time to add him to the female's tank ---- add the eggcrate cage as far away as possible from the female's anemone (or territory),
but where it is still visible to the female. If visibility means it has to be really close to the female, then just put it out of sight at first.
Then catch the male in a clear drinking glass, measuring cup, etc. (don't net him) and place him in the tank such that he can swim out of the glass straight into the cage. That way he knows where it is.
Then nature should take its course :love2:
Don't remove the cage until the male is allowed to hang out on the anemone during daylight hours. He may be allowed to sleep on the anemone at night before she accepts him during the day.
It may be instant love or it can take several weeks for him to earn his spot.

