OT: Dealing with Sick Parents

[TotalKhaos]

Not the place for this I know but maybe someone here can relate...

My Father Has been dealing with Heart Disease for about 10 years now. 6+heart attacks and 2 strokes. Quad bypass Surgery and more... He is still a very young man only 52.

He decided to stop taking his medication and give up. He wants to let himself die. Of Course I am not willing to accept that, and have been trying to discuss things with him to change his mind. Seems that every point I make he easily shoots down with a arguement that makes sense and only stregthens his position. His mental capacity is in no way diminished in fact he just finished writing his first Novel which just got picked up by a publisher. Sorta hard for me to argue with the smartest man I know when he is of sound mind.

Has anyone dealt or is dealing with a similar situation? I really dont know what to do or weather I should be doing anything. I know its his decision and its about him not me, but I cant help but want to keep my Dad in this world.

 

[Justin74]

Very sad cards to be dealt for the both of you I empathize for both of your positions, although I have not been put in the same position of having that unfortunate discussion.

I cant even pretend to comprehend what your dad may be feeling or going through. But the moralistic side of me says do not go peacefully into that good night. He has now the opportunity to apply what hes learned from his trials and tribulations of his past 52 years and apply it masterfully as has been shown by a publisher picking up his latest writings, and a whole bunch of doors can present themselves now that with his intelligence and experience has the capability of opening as opposed to a younger and less experienced man like myself.

He was also put on this earth for a reason, and it wasnt to give up. Nor was it to live a life of oppresion on his health. But I agree with the idealogy of "if life was never bad, we'd never know just how good it can be.." Miracles and majic happen within moments, and hopefully we can all muster up the fight to witness each and every one till our last breath comes.

My best wishes for you both.

-Justin

 

[Marc Daniels]

Heart conditions & serious depression go hand-in-hand. My father had 9 heart procedures in 14 months, culminating in a triple bypass. They formed a support group, with regular meetings and it helped a lot of them to know that others felt the same emotions & fears. It's the first time that many of them are actually faced with their mortality, they are scared, and the depression can set in deeply. When one is depressed ,and fearing for their lives, you would be amazed what runs through their minds. For example, one of the common fears that almost every male voiced, was the fear of their passing and if their wife at some point in the futurewould take to another man. When we went through these issues with my dad, he was in his mid 50's, and he couldn't realistically see my mother spending the next 20+ years along if something were to happen to him. IT was through support sessions, that many of these fears came out, and like I said, most of them had the same thoughts running around their heads. But alone, you don't think they are rational thoughts. So encourage your father to look for outlets.

If it comes to tough love, remind him that giving up is the most cowardly, selfish act that he could possibly take. Even if it eases his pain, it starts an all new, and devasting pain for those that love him, and that he loves.

 

[TotalKhaos]

Thanks for your thoughts guys, it really helps me out. I was beginning to think I was being selfish by trying to force my will on my father.

My Father's wife is about 10 years his Junior so he may just have the same thoughts you were talking about Marc... But through my discussions with him he seems most concerned with finishing up paperwork on his book (putting it in his wifes name) and getting all his financial affairs in order for his wife's sake.

I know his quality of life is poor. He cant walk for more than 30 minutes anymore and is suffering from extreme insomnia. He has been forced to stay at home all the time and can no longer participate in the activities he loved. Just a few years ago he took 16th in the Men's Singles 8ball championship in Vegas... out of thousands. But he cant even hold a pool stick anymore.

He's a stubborn guy, worse than myself. I doubt I'll be able to talk him into a support group. But its worth a shot. I'll do some research on that and see if I can get him to at least try it.

 

[Marc Daniels]

...But through my discussions with him he seems most concerned with finishing up...

He's not going to convey his inner most feelings & emotions to you, because he values you and cares about your judgement of him. He's afraid of how you would judge him. It's funny, but you can open up to a stranger exactly because you don't value how they judge you.

If the circumstances are truly that dire, then taking care of some business ahead of time is only smart. Maybe he can't do the things he once did, but why give up? What could be more rewarding than watching his grand-children blossom before his eyes. Remind him that even though he has lost a lot...it's no where near as important as what he still has. How do those sayings go...no one ever lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more, or had more money, or wished they had won more 8 ball tournaments.

 

[TotalKhaos]

Should I try talking to His wife and Mother about this?

Right now I dont know if they know or not, I cant imagine that they do, I would think they would be kicking up a big stink if they did, but I havent heard a word from them. I'd hate to betray him by revealing this to them before he is ready to tell them but then again I dont want him or me dealing with this alone.

 

[Marc Daniels]

If he has stopped taking medications that he basically needs to help him live, then yes measures need to be taken. What do you value more, your fathers life, or whether or not he feels betrayed?

The signs of deep depression are subtle. Often a family does not know how far a member has fallen, or what dark thoughts are in their heads. They will not intervene for the exact type of reasons you are citing...it's none of our business, I don't want to betray their trust, I don't want to cause a rift in the family. etc. The strength and character of a family is revealed during the hard times, not the good. Sometimes we have to do things to help another family member out, even though they may not support or agree with it. Just look within and ask yourself what is the right thing to do, and what is the wrong thing to do. No matter what you decide, don't do it in a confrontational nature, you can confront the person, but do it with a lot of love and respect, and show how valued they are.

I know the following isn't your situation, and that your father may not have fallen this far, so please dont read more into this than I intend...
My youngest uncle is only five years older than I am, and his son (my first cousin) is only two days older than my son. They are both 4yo now. My Aunt had been dealing with some depression issues, and none of us realized how depressed she was. When she gave birth to my cousin, she had some complications and ended up on the verge of death, in ICU for two weeks. She pulled through, and we all normally went about our lives. About a year later, family & friends began seeing subtle changes in her. The issue became serious enough that she began seeing a therapist, and taking medication for depression. Come to find out there were much more disturbing signs that people were seeing, but fearing confrontation no one spoke up about. Things like hearing voices, wishing her son had never been born, wondering why my uncle even bothered to stay with her, and so on. Two years ago, while surrounded by dozens of pictures depicting her loving family, adorable son, and cherished memories, my aunt killed herself.

I relate this story to you for one simple reason, please don't put yourself in the same situation that some of my family now find themselves in. Regrets, especialy where it concerns the health of someone you love, are a terrible thing to live with. Confront him, but do it with a lot of love, he'll get over it.

 

[TotalKhaos]

Thanks Marc.

 

[Reefugee]

Total -

sorry to hear about what you are dealing with. I have nothing to add to what others have already said.

Minh

 

[sagitariuscbc]

TK,
i too am going through a similar situation. i just got back from denver co. i had to take my dad to about 15-20 doctors appointments in 2 days. if all goes well he may have to do a few more tests before he is placed on a list for a liver transplant. my heart goes out to you and all that may be effected by your situation. i'll be praying for the best for you and your family.

shawn

 

[MandM]

You and your father are in our prayers. It's quite possible that ypur father's meds could be changed to avoid or lessen the depression. I would urge him to talk to his doctor and/or pharmacist. You may be able to go with him if it helps. The doctor needs to know what your father is experiencing in order to help. If things are so bad that he wants to discontinue meds altogether the doctor would likely come up with some alternatives worth trying. Good luck.

 

[TotalKhaos]

hey thanks everyone - wanted to give a quick update. I've been talking with my dad some more - and we've reasoned out his decision to stop meds was more a cry for help then anything. So hopefully now that he's willing to admit that maybe we can help him pull out of it... as well as maybe he'll be more willing to get some extra help.

seems most of this stemed from him visiting his mother at a recovery center (she just had hip replacement surgery) and seeing all the people there and getting scared that he might be joining them shortly. I am trying to assure him that we would never put him in a facility like that.

 

[Marc Daniels]

That's a step in the right direction. Often when people are vocal about their wanting to give up, etc. is exactly what you encountered, a cry for help.

I think one of the biggest problems with a male patient is that they have such a hard time overcoming the maleness to ask for help. They think people will see tham as weak, or cowardly. When in fact it takes a lot of strength and courage to say "I need a hand".

I'm glad to hear that things are starting to look better.

 

[MandM]

Best of luck. Glad to hear he is open to help. He does need to work with his doctor to set a plan to improve things.

 

[petermai]

don't give up. death is the end. there is no fix, there is not a second chance. my bestfriend committed suicide after a good night at the bar with the boys. we look back now and started to see very subtle signs of depression. i recently had a stroke 4 months ago, i'm only 22. but it definitely threw me into a state of depression for a good 2 months. it is when you face the inevitable in an alter state of mind that you started to lose your will to live. but beyond that. it's also a burden upon your family that he's worried about. so make sure you have him feel secured knowing that his family is well. best wishes.

peter

 

[Marc Daniels]

Peter-

Good points, and one that came up during my dad's group meetings. The fear of what might happen if the primary bread-winner is gone. I know that was an issue that I dealt with when I came off work two years ago and my wife went back to teaching.

Now that I have been a stay at home parent to a 4yo and 2yo for two years, PUT ME BACK TO WORK, ANYONE, PLEASE. IT'S A CONSTANT FIGHT...ANY "THEY" ARE WINNING! HHEELLPP!!

In all seriousness, that is certainly something that male goes through. Society as whole looks at the male as the historical bread-winner of the family unit. I get a variety of reactions when people first learn that my wife works, and I stay at home with the kids and run our household. But, as a father, I have had the opportunity that not many fathers get. Other than my circumstance for being home, I would not have changed my family role for all the raffle prizes on the table. Then when my wife got deployed with the military last Spring, it was a Godsend that I was home, and that we didn't have to put our kids into day-care all day.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make (though my ramble) is that there are several roles within a family. My wife has more education than I do, and because of here private & military experience is capable of being employed in a variety of fields. Which makes her more employable than I am, especially when my chosen field is much narrower (male dancer). As more & more roles get reversed, society accepts it more & more.

What gets me though, is no one looks sideways at a family where both parents work. But, they may question one where the father stays at home.

 

[TotalKhaos]

Wow Male Dancer eh?

I'm throwing a rowdy Bachlorette Party for a friend pretty soon, need a job? LMAO

 

[Marc Daniels]

The "I'm throwing a rowdy Bachlorette Party for a friend pretty soon, need a job?" was funny. But the "LMAO" was cruel!

Unless it stands for
"Leave Money Around Officer" (for when I'm "Officer Rick")
"Ladies Move Along Orderly"
"Let's Make Another Ovation"

Actually, I was a ballet dancer. I had to get out because my beard clashed with the swam outfit when I danced Swan Lake. Also, some of the guys complained about back sprains when they had to lift me.