superkat
Premium Member
For almost two months, I had to put away a portion of who I am for the love of my work. Tonight, I was able to reconnect on a number of levels. First, was getting back to my yoga class which was filled with old and new faces...all glad to have me back...second, was spending almost 3 hours afterwards with my old Pastor and dear friend, Dorothy.
It was a much needed evening.
So many things going on around me that impact my life, the way I act, what I do, who I talk to, who I hang out with, how I spend my time....so many variables that my head is spinning by the end of the day. Somedays, there is no peace at all as this mish mash of thoughts, emotions and actions swirl around me like an endless storm. It must be obvious, because when Dorothy asked me how I was doing and I said, "I'm good," she asked again. Which brought us to a quiet spot on the hardwood floors of the studio near the windows as I dumped out my heart to her...one of the few people in my life that have stood by my side no matter what. When the question asked a second time produced tears, she told me to state one simple phrase that summed up everything...and it was this:
"I stopped loving him a long time ago. The only thing that remains is a kind of slavery to a pattern." Which really rattled her. She had just been reading some articles in a book she had borrowed to glean some insight on the author Anais Nin...and it struck her as one of the quotes she had read. Except it had been about Anais' father. Not such a coincidence then, that we had this conversation. I believe we were GUIDED to have it.
I dumped a bunch of stuff in her lap pretty quickly, and she responded that it wasn't her I needed to be dumping all of this in front of...it was something that needed to be laid down before a higher power. Then she told me of a vision she had experienced when I first hugged her tonight...I'll try to capture it the best I can:
She said, "I see a huge storm around you...you are in the center and all there is are shades of gray, black and white swirling around you. However, where you stand, it is calm. That is your inner strength and commitment to remain true to yourself and what you believe in. To the edge of the storm is a mountain. It is, however IN the storm. I see you moving toward that place and there you bring all that you have in your heart and in your head to God. But you are so afraid of Him right now, that you just drop everything and run...and you hide behind this rock...peeking over it...wondering where the lightning bolts are gonna come from first. And yet...there is nothing...and the storm calms, the winds become a gentle breeze...and still you stay behind the rock...which is you...being stubborn...and refusing to admit that the road you are about to travel will require something that you don't possess...and that is divine intervention."
She pretty much nailed it. I had a GREAT cry...one that was cleansing and pure. Not one that was caused by anger or hate or bitterness or loneliness...it came from my heart...and it felt good. For a moment, I really could sense my Mom...and the comfort of her arms as my dear friend held me and told me that she loved me, believed in me and knew that I would make the right choices...because I always have. She then reminded me of the things I have seen, the miracles...and how I have always believed that as long as I trusted my heart and not my ears or eyes, that I would find what I was looking for....or what I was looking for WOULD FIND ME. And then it started raining...pretty hard...and she said, "every single time you pray for something hard enough...it rains. It rained the day you prayed for my church. It rained the day you left for Brazil...every time...and if it thunders...it's really good. And when it rains for you...I firmly believe it's heaven crying for all you feel in your heart."
The only thing I am sure of right now...is ME. I know that changes need to be made and as much as leaving certain things behind is painful...I truly feel that it is time to move on. I certainly cannot be a slave to something that brings me no peace or joy. And it's about time I recognized that before I waste one more day in its shackles.
It takes courage to leave the only road you've known. Heading down a new road, one you have never traveled before takes strength and a certain amount of risk...for you know nothing of what lies ahead. But I am not alone. Dorothy reminded me of this tonight. The warmth and affection of that higher power has always given me strength, determination and above all, love...something I very rarely get from the world around me. I am, quite frankly, tired of giving out without anything in return, which is how I have lived my whole life...but at 47...I think it's time for ME. Will I still be a kind and generous person? Yes. But not at my own expense.
So...reconnecting. It was illuminating. Self revealing, scarey....and exciting. It also was a little humbling to hear someone ask me, "you've been trying to do this by yourself since December...how's it working out for you?"
I have two paths to choose from at this time....and I'm hoping with this reconnection, that the correct path will become quite clear. I pray for clarity. If it means letting go of certain things...then I must follow that direction...because I am no longer at the wheel.
I've learned a number of things in the last four hours of restacking the 90g - INTENTIONALLY - because it's very theraputic. I learned that sometimes you have to let go to see if there is anything worth holding on to.
It's not always easy...and sometimes not what you want to do. I think Snoopy said it best, "Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos." Funny that a fictional dog has something so profound to say....thank you Charles Shultz.
So tonight I will close my eyes...and wake tomorrow to a new day...filled with positive possibilities and a vision for the future. For tonight I stepped out of the eye of the storm and into the swirling tempest....and survived.
Peace,
kat
It was a much needed evening.
So many things going on around me that impact my life, the way I act, what I do, who I talk to, who I hang out with, how I spend my time....so many variables that my head is spinning by the end of the day. Somedays, there is no peace at all as this mish mash of thoughts, emotions and actions swirl around me like an endless storm. It must be obvious, because when Dorothy asked me how I was doing and I said, "I'm good," she asked again. Which brought us to a quiet spot on the hardwood floors of the studio near the windows as I dumped out my heart to her...one of the few people in my life that have stood by my side no matter what. When the question asked a second time produced tears, she told me to state one simple phrase that summed up everything...and it was this:
"I stopped loving him a long time ago. The only thing that remains is a kind of slavery to a pattern." Which really rattled her. She had just been reading some articles in a book she had borrowed to glean some insight on the author Anais Nin...and it struck her as one of the quotes she had read. Except it had been about Anais' father. Not such a coincidence then, that we had this conversation. I believe we were GUIDED to have it.
I dumped a bunch of stuff in her lap pretty quickly, and she responded that it wasn't her I needed to be dumping all of this in front of...it was something that needed to be laid down before a higher power. Then she told me of a vision she had experienced when I first hugged her tonight...I'll try to capture it the best I can:
She said, "I see a huge storm around you...you are in the center and all there is are shades of gray, black and white swirling around you. However, where you stand, it is calm. That is your inner strength and commitment to remain true to yourself and what you believe in. To the edge of the storm is a mountain. It is, however IN the storm. I see you moving toward that place and there you bring all that you have in your heart and in your head to God. But you are so afraid of Him right now, that you just drop everything and run...and you hide behind this rock...peeking over it...wondering where the lightning bolts are gonna come from first. And yet...there is nothing...and the storm calms, the winds become a gentle breeze...and still you stay behind the rock...which is you...being stubborn...and refusing to admit that the road you are about to travel will require something that you don't possess...and that is divine intervention."
She pretty much nailed it. I had a GREAT cry...one that was cleansing and pure. Not one that was caused by anger or hate or bitterness or loneliness...it came from my heart...and it felt good. For a moment, I really could sense my Mom...and the comfort of her arms as my dear friend held me and told me that she loved me, believed in me and knew that I would make the right choices...because I always have. She then reminded me of the things I have seen, the miracles...and how I have always believed that as long as I trusted my heart and not my ears or eyes, that I would find what I was looking for....or what I was looking for WOULD FIND ME. And then it started raining...pretty hard...and she said, "every single time you pray for something hard enough...it rains. It rained the day you prayed for my church. It rained the day you left for Brazil...every time...and if it thunders...it's really good. And when it rains for you...I firmly believe it's heaven crying for all you feel in your heart."
The only thing I am sure of right now...is ME. I know that changes need to be made and as much as leaving certain things behind is painful...I truly feel that it is time to move on. I certainly cannot be a slave to something that brings me no peace or joy. And it's about time I recognized that before I waste one more day in its shackles.
It takes courage to leave the only road you've known. Heading down a new road, one you have never traveled before takes strength and a certain amount of risk...for you know nothing of what lies ahead. But I am not alone. Dorothy reminded me of this tonight. The warmth and affection of that higher power has always given me strength, determination and above all, love...something I very rarely get from the world around me. I am, quite frankly, tired of giving out without anything in return, which is how I have lived my whole life...but at 47...I think it's time for ME. Will I still be a kind and generous person? Yes. But not at my own expense.
So...reconnecting. It was illuminating. Self revealing, scarey....and exciting. It also was a little humbling to hear someone ask me, "you've been trying to do this by yourself since December...how's it working out for you?"
I have two paths to choose from at this time....and I'm hoping with this reconnection, that the correct path will become quite clear. I pray for clarity. If it means letting go of certain things...then I must follow that direction...because I am no longer at the wheel.
I've learned a number of things in the last four hours of restacking the 90g - INTENTIONALLY - because it's very theraputic. I learned that sometimes you have to let go to see if there is anything worth holding on to.
It's not always easy...and sometimes not what you want to do. I think Snoopy said it best, "Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos." Funny that a fictional dog has something so profound to say....thank you Charles Shultz.
So tonight I will close my eyes...and wake tomorrow to a new day...filled with positive possibilities and a vision for the future. For tonight I stepped out of the eye of the storm and into the swirling tempest....and survived.
Peace,
kat
