Funny joke
- Thread starter lusenut2
- Start date
MIKE ALERS
New member
:rollface: :rollface: :rollface: ...me and my wife are here dying.thats too funny.thx surfer for the diet plan
WingnutSr
New member
A couple was invited to a Swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: '- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
- 'Did you dance much?'
- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: '- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
- 'Did you dance much?'
- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..
surfjeepzx
New member
"The Headache"
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad
new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove
the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how you knew?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Bill tried on the
suit..
It fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new
shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how you knew?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell
of a headache."
New suit - $400
new shirt - $36
new underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad
new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove
the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how you knew?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Bill tried on the
suit..
It fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new
shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how you knew?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell
of a headache."
New suit - $400
new shirt - $36
new underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
surfjeepzx
New member
Sheep
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?"
surfjeepzx
New member
Lawsuit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all
the ugly women I've slept with ?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all
the ugly women I've slept with ?"
surfjeepzx
New member
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
surfjeepzx
New member
Car Accident
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off all your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriends stuck!!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off all your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriends stuck!!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far!!!!!"
Last edited:
surfjeepzx
New member
There is this blond woman hauling *** down the highway in a BMW. Without ever noticing she swishes past a state trooper parked along the side of the road. The trooper flips on the lights and the chase is on.
Eventually the blond in the BMW notices the trooper behind her and pulls over. A female trooper gets out of the car and is soon standing next to the drivers window asking for her drivers license and proof of insurance. The blond reaches over to the passengers seat and hoists up this huge purse and commences to dig toward the bottom looking for her drivers license. After about 5 minutes of digging the female cop says "If you cant find your license do you have anything with your picture on it to identify yourself?" The blond then goes back into the oversized purse and comes up with her makeup compact, opens it up and sees herself in it and then passes it to the trooper "This has my picture on it" she says...
The trooper takes the compact from her and opens it up and looks into it, pauses for a few seconds and then said "well, it you had just identified yourself as a police officer I wouldnt have pulled you over" hands her the compact and walks back to her police car....
Eventually the blond in the BMW notices the trooper behind her and pulls over. A female trooper gets out of the car and is soon standing next to the drivers window asking for her drivers license and proof of insurance. The blond reaches over to the passengers seat and hoists up this huge purse and commences to dig toward the bottom looking for her drivers license. After about 5 minutes of digging the female cop says "If you cant find your license do you have anything with your picture on it to identify yourself?" The blond then goes back into the oversized purse and comes up with her makeup compact, opens it up and sees herself in it and then passes it to the trooper "This has my picture on it" she says...
The trooper takes the compact from her and opens it up and looks into it, pauses for a few seconds and then said "well, it you had just identified yourself as a police officer I wouldnt have pulled you over" hands her the compact and walks back to her police car....
surfjeepzx
New member
Cowboy Meets Indian Herding Sheep...
Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog:"Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian).
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog:"Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian).
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
surfjeepzx
New member
Two Blondes With Hammers.. Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over
her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into,
asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I
pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong
end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You
moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over
her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into,
asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I
pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong
end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You
moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
surfjeepzx
New member
UPSET WIFE
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a
very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"
And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless th at I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not
well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the
ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear
just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive
boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please..... ..do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a
very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"
And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"
And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless th at I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not
well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the
ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear
just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive
boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please..... ..do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"
surfjeepzx
New member
Summer Campers
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see? '
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo poop...... It means someone stole the tent .'
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see? '
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo poop...... It means someone stole the tent .'
surfjeepzx
New member
Just Take Me To Jail
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the
performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the
rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my *** to jail, cause
there's no way I can pass that test."
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the
performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the
rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my *** to jail, cause
there's no way I can pass that test."
surfjeepzx
New member
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
surfjeepzx
New member
SKINNY DIPPING
An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up with nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some
apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
...Some old men can still think fast.
An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up with nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some
apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
...Some old men can still think fast.
surfjeepzx
New member
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
surfjeepzx
New member
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder At midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to Be getting home is this?
Where have you been?"
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, heWent and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable
sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a
stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to Be getting home is this?
Where have you been?"
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, heWent and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable
sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a
stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
surfjeepzx
New member
Country Style
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’sâ€"œit’s m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, heck, you win. Keep the duck."
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’sâ€"œit’s m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, heck, you win. Keep the duck."
surfjeepzx
New member
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolm an on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Besie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the heck would you say?
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolm an on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Besie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the heck would you say?
