superkat
Premium Member
....and I suck at puzzles.
I learned something about myself this evening. The first night I've truly had off in months...I learned that I can no longer trust my discernment. There are aspects of life where one can find stability. The funny thing about that is that stability can often be unbelievably boring. I have never lived my life in a boring manner. I absolutely THRIVE on adventure. But even the simplest of adventures require the proper equipment. For instance, if you are going to climb a mountain...you better make sure you have the proper tools to do so. I've been climbing mountains all my life...with my health, with my career, with my compassion towards people, with the generosity of my very being in the display of love and sincerity and never once have I felt completely unprepared...until now.
Now I understand that even with the best packed gear bag, you can still step on a loose rock and lose your balance and fall. Even the sturdiest rope could break...and even having a partner with you on your adventure could prove to be the most dangerous aspect of all.
It comes down to trust. I was forced to use the tools in my own personal "gear bag" of life tonight...and when I tried to use all the things I so carefully packed away in case of an emergency, i found that they had become obsolete...that they were not strong enough to overcome the adventure of my recent choice. I trusted that I had packed that bag well enough to ward off an accident that would result in something getting broken...like a neck...or a HEART. So on the ledge of a mountain, one foot on a loose rock..i reached into that bag and found nothing of use. Left alone without a partner...without a sturdy rope...dangling above a precipice that if I let go...i would surely fall to my death.
Luckily...I was prepared in another way...I was prepared that if I let go...that for that moment of freefall i could close my eyes and prepare for the worst. That once I hit bottom one of two things could happen. I could die. Or I could recover from my injuries. Placed in that postion...of hanging on to the ledge...my fingers clutching the remains of what I thought would support me...i knew i could not continue to hang on. I pushed away from the mountain and sent myself into the abyss.
The thought of dieing wasn't as frightening as I expected...in fact...it was comforting in the fact that it required no energy on my part. That I would fall...I would hit the surface below and it would be over. I welcomed it. Instead, much to my dismay...I was forced to deal with the excruciating pain of the fall. Broken, bruised, battered and looking up at the great height from which I had fallen...i realized that I had no one to blame but myself for taking on an adventure that had proved fatal for others in the past. I never realized the potential danger...I only craved the sheer possibility that I might succeed where others had failed. What a silly little girl I am.
And now I sit here...in the rubble of what was once a glorious expedition...and realize the folly of my actions. Looking at my "gear bag", cursing the contents for their lack of ability to save me from the fall...understanding that as much as I want to blame them for their inaccuracy..I have only myself to crucify for assuming that they were going to protect me.
I trusted in something that I created. And that was my biggest mistake.
Life is a puzzle. I've lived my life with scattered pieces. None of them belong in the same box. Trying to piece together a puzzle with the appropriate pieces is hard enough...trying to do it when none of those pieces belong together is not only an arduous task...it's impossible.
I will still continue to try and piece together the mess I have made of so many aspects of my life...and I will continue to take risks and live with the heart of an adventurer...but next time I fall? I pray that I will have a companion next to me who will save my life.
I learned something about myself this evening. The first night I've truly had off in months...I learned that I can no longer trust my discernment. There are aspects of life where one can find stability. The funny thing about that is that stability can often be unbelievably boring. I have never lived my life in a boring manner. I absolutely THRIVE on adventure. But even the simplest of adventures require the proper equipment. For instance, if you are going to climb a mountain...you better make sure you have the proper tools to do so. I've been climbing mountains all my life...with my health, with my career, with my compassion towards people, with the generosity of my very being in the display of love and sincerity and never once have I felt completely unprepared...until now.
Now I understand that even with the best packed gear bag, you can still step on a loose rock and lose your balance and fall. Even the sturdiest rope could break...and even having a partner with you on your adventure could prove to be the most dangerous aspect of all.
It comes down to trust. I was forced to use the tools in my own personal "gear bag" of life tonight...and when I tried to use all the things I so carefully packed away in case of an emergency, i found that they had become obsolete...that they were not strong enough to overcome the adventure of my recent choice. I trusted that I had packed that bag well enough to ward off an accident that would result in something getting broken...like a neck...or a HEART. So on the ledge of a mountain, one foot on a loose rock..i reached into that bag and found nothing of use. Left alone without a partner...without a sturdy rope...dangling above a precipice that if I let go...i would surely fall to my death.
Luckily...I was prepared in another way...I was prepared that if I let go...that for that moment of freefall i could close my eyes and prepare for the worst. That once I hit bottom one of two things could happen. I could die. Or I could recover from my injuries. Placed in that postion...of hanging on to the ledge...my fingers clutching the remains of what I thought would support me...i knew i could not continue to hang on. I pushed away from the mountain and sent myself into the abyss.
The thought of dieing wasn't as frightening as I expected...in fact...it was comforting in the fact that it required no energy on my part. That I would fall...I would hit the surface below and it would be over. I welcomed it. Instead, much to my dismay...I was forced to deal with the excruciating pain of the fall. Broken, bruised, battered and looking up at the great height from which I had fallen...i realized that I had no one to blame but myself for taking on an adventure that had proved fatal for others in the past. I never realized the potential danger...I only craved the sheer possibility that I might succeed where others had failed. What a silly little girl I am.
And now I sit here...in the rubble of what was once a glorious expedition...and realize the folly of my actions. Looking at my "gear bag", cursing the contents for their lack of ability to save me from the fall...understanding that as much as I want to blame them for their inaccuracy..I have only myself to crucify for assuming that they were going to protect me.
I trusted in something that I created. And that was my biggest mistake.
Life is a puzzle. I've lived my life with scattered pieces. None of them belong in the same box. Trying to piece together a puzzle with the appropriate pieces is hard enough...trying to do it when none of those pieces belong together is not only an arduous task...it's impossible.
I will still continue to try and piece together the mess I have made of so many aspects of my life...and I will continue to take risks and live with the heart of an adventurer...but next time I fall? I pray that I will have a companion next to me who will save my life.
