Alrighty, fellow reefers, from my treasure trove of funny/weird/crazy customer stories from working in an LFS in Atlanta, GA, I present...
The War on Drugs!
Alright, so, this one kid had been coming in since before I worked at the LFS. He was one of those rich kids you see on My Super Sweet Sixteen who are handed everything their entire lives without question. I hated this kid. He was such a jerk, and he would bust my metaphorical balls (since I'm a lady) all the time. Well, one day, I got sent back there from having a conversation with a SWAT officer who often stopped by our shop so I could deal with this annoying kid. He procedes to pester me about me giving him a hypodermic syringe. After a twenty minute argument, it boils down to this....
Me: I've been nice, I've been mean, I've been downright rude. Now, I'm going to be honest.
Kid: But you're not going to give me one?
Me: No, I'm going to give you an education. A hypodermic syringe is, oh-my-god, paraphenalia.
Kid: So? I don't do drugs.
Me: I don't know that, my boss doesn't know that, the local PD doesn't know that.
Kid: But no one will find out.
Me: Look, I don't care. I'm not getting arrested because your rich butt is too cheap to take your own risks about needles. If you really want to kill your aiptasia so much, there's a drug clinic downtown where you can get new needles, no questions asked. I'm done risking my job for you, I'm done haggling prices with you. You have money, I'm poor and need my job, so stop dicking around with it...
Kid: You can't talk to me that way. I'm going to get you fired.
Me: Go ahead and try. You can go right up to the manager at the front desk and chat with her, but you might want to take a look around. Kid, right now, there's a nice gentleman up front who works for our local SWAT. See him up there in the black tactical vest with the gun? I'd think very carefully about how you're going to work this before speaking with him about how I wouldn't give you your needles. Good luck, and good bye.
Random Snippets
"Is there a fish you don't have to feed?"
"Won't my betta just eat the plant?"
"The plant cleans the tank (or bowl), right?"
"I've got diabetes and you're not going to give me four fish (*$20 a piece clown loaches at the size he wanted) in exchange for my four fish that I'm trading in (*four $5 bala sharks)."
"I've been keeping African cichlids with my south americans for years, and they're all doing really well and happy- so you can stop lecturing me about how I shouldn't keep them together........ But, wow, your Africans have such pretty colors.... *frowns* they must be hormone treated."
(sidenote for s/w only people- Africans show their best colors when given basically the OPPOSITE care of South Ams, including a high pH and a low protein diet!)
And, my personal fav, the goldfish trick!
Okay, so, to preface this, when I first started working at the LFS, one of my customers was this angry lady. She came in every week and was always ****ed off no matter how prompt, polite, sweet, nice, or any variation of excellent service I was for her. She would always buy 30 small goldfish and never say a nice word to me once. It actually took two months of sweet talking to find out she had aquatic turtles, and another three months after that for this gem...
Lady: Is there a warranty on these fish?
Me: Well, you're feeding them to turtles.... so... if they've been killed but not eaten.... no.
Lady: No, they're not getting killed. Before I feed them.
Me: Well, we do put quite a few in the bag. Are you going hme straight away?
Lady: Yes.
Me: Hrm. Perhaps I should split them into multiple bags if you have a long drive.
Lady: I live just down the road.
Me: So.... they're not dying in the bag... or with the turtle... *cringing*
Lady: No, you've been selling me sick fish.
Me: Huh?
Lady: I put them in another tank, but they all die in two or three days.
Me: Well, goldfish can be rather dirty fish, especially to put that many together. How big of a tank do you have, ma'am?
Lady: I've got a big tank for them.
Me: Er... yes, but how big?
Lady: Five gallons. That's PLENTY big enough.
Me: No, no. I'm sorry. That can't hold 30 goldfish.
Lady: I don't put all of them in. Just twenty.
Me: Look, that tank can't hold but 2 to 5 goldfish this size, and maybe for only 24-48 hours.
Lady: But I have a filter.
Me: *sigh* what size?
Lady: Well, it's one of those pumps with a stone on the end.
Me: Thats...
Lady: Look, I don't care about all this. I just want to know if you're going to refund my money for all these sick, crappy fish you keep selling me.
.... one of these days, I'll get around to posting about the dead koi and the dead shark (two, massive dead things in one week!)