Ok, because, now, I'm awake enough for the epic shark tale.
I had been at the LFS for close to a year and a half at this point, and the manager was practically grooming me as his protege. However, it was the week before my senior portfolio was due, so I had to take the week off from work. My senior portfolio was the END ALL BE ALL of my college career. However, unfortunately, my manager had a death in the family and had to go out of state.
Four weeks earlier:
A woman comes in with a severe interest in our coral catshark (who I affectionately called "Bruce." Not for finding Nemo, but for Bruce Lee). She was really interested, and Bruce was eating really well, feeding on a variety diet and even ambushing live prey. So, my manager answered her questions, confident that a shark, who had been with us for a month and was eating well, was in good health to go home. He tries to give her the business information for a man who custom fabricates large tanks and says we'll hold Bruce. That's not good enough. He tries to get her to purchase an AGA 210 or something with a similar footprint until she can get a large tank customed out (the 210 was the largest tank we could physically carry in house). That's not good enough.
In the end, she INSISTS on the AGA 75, because it's on sale. Fortunately, she gets a drilled one, grounding probe large sump, and one heck of a protein skimmer, TLC for Saltwater, as well as some good liverock. And, even more fortunately, she leaves Bruce with us. It could have been much worse. She could have gotten a HOB filter, no probe, no skimmer, and tried to leave with Bruce that day.
Two weeks later:
She comes back in and INSISTS on taking Bruce home despite our urging to ensure the tank is fully cycled. It's a sad day, because I know Bruce is probably going to live a very unhappy life.
The Saturday before my portfolio is due:
I get a call. It's the lady who took Bruce home, and, sure enough, he's dead in her tank. Died on Friday. She starts bantering on about how we should do something for her, this, that, and the other thing. I can hear her son crying in the background, so, I did the stupid thing. I called my manager. He admits that she bought a ton of stuff from us and feels bad that the shark died, even though we knew it would happen and even though it was WELL outside our 24 hr warranty. So, he says for her to bring in a water sample THAT NIGHT, and, if it checked out, things would be okay.
So, I get back on the phone with Shark lady and say: "Alright, I just got off the phone with my manager, and, although the shark is well outside of our warranty, we're going to try to help you out. What I need you to do is bring in both the shark and a sample of your water in a separate container for water testing tonight. If your water checks out, we'd be happy to replace the shark. If not, I'll help you straighten out whatever's going on in the tank."
She asks the strange question of, "What do I do if I can't make it our there tonight?"
To which, I reply, "You really should remove the corpse from the tank and freeze it to preserve the body. Place the body in either a tuperware container or a ziplock bag and seal it. Then, just freeze it. But, you really should come in right away so we can figure out what happened."
..... note to the peanut gallery: I know, I know. NTS. I knew that. And I knew what her water sample *should* have looked like. Just wait for it.
However, she doesn't show up that night.
Sunday:
I get a phone call on what had to be the busiest day at the shop in god knows how long. I'm trying to get out of there, because it's my last day at work before the long week haul of finalizing my portfolio.
SL: "Hey, I'm really sorry. I couldn't come in last night."
Me: "That's ok. Are you still going to come in tonight?"
SL: "Yup."
Me: "And you preserved the body of the animal, correct?"
SL: "I did."
Me: "Great, then, I'll see you before 6."
..... 6 rolls around, and the shark is still MIA. I go home, and find out that my manager has had a death in the family. He's leaving that night. We work out a call system between the two of us, but, to be honest with you, it consisted of "Don't call unless the store's unfire and the fish room's flooding and you need to know which animals to try to save first." I tell him what's going on with the shark lady, but his mind is elsewhere. It doesn't register. We come to the conclusion that we're trying to work with her, but she's obviously not trying to work with us, that she'll probably NEVER come in unless I just say we're going to refund it without a water test.
Monday:
Which is where all plans get blown out of the water. I'm in the computer lab at school, and I get a phone call. It's Kevin. Poor, sweet, gullible Kevin. He knows a good deal about cichlids and freshwater, but he only has a limited s/w experience. And, poor sweet, gullible Kevin is standing there with Shark Lady's Boyfriend (SLB). However, I was unaware of this. I was expecting a lady, since the Shark Lady, as I knew her, was unmarried with a young son. However, we soon find out who this random man who is shouting at Kevin in the first phone call, and I explain to Kevin to treat it like a warranty return. Test the water, and, if it checks out, full refund. If not, no cred.
The second phone call is where things start to get interesting....
Me: "This had better be really important considering how simple my instructions were, Kev."
Kevin: "*whispering* um.... this isn't looking so good."
Me: "*whispering* why are we whispering?"
Kevin: "*whispering* Because their water is really FUBAR, and he's still demanding a return."
Me: "..... please tell me you're not calling me on the floor. Please tell me you had the good sense to go somewhere where he can't hear you?"
Kevin: ".... I'm in the kennel."
Me: "Good enough. What's the readings?"
Kevin: "SG 1.017, pH 7.4, NO2 is off the charts. NO3 is off the charts."
Me: "HOLY ...... (I'm sure you can imagine the rest)."
Kevin: "That's really bad, isn't it?"
Me: "They couldn't keep a shark alive no matter how they treated it. No refund."
Kevin: "I tried to tell him that. He said he wanted me to check with you."
Me: "Inform him that, with water readings of such levels I could not expect anything but perhaps some clownfish or maybe damsels to live in that water. The salinity is way too low, as is the pH, and the rest of the readings are just toxic. They need to do some big, big water changes, raise the salinity, and just let the tank cycle for a while."
Kevin: "Yeah?"
Me: "Yes. Now, I have to get back to work."
...... ten minutes later my phone rings again....
Me: "Kevin.... if you're about to tell me about a shark.... I'm about to be really ****ed off."
Kevin: "Please stop yelling at me."
Me: "..... uh..... Kevin?"
Kevin: "Look, this guy is screaming at me, shouting that he needs a refund."
Me: "Uh.... no.... what they NEED to do is fix their water quality."
SLB: "*in background* Who are you talking to?"
Me: "Kevin, don't you dare put me on the phone with him."
SLB: "*in background* Who is that?"
Kevin: "It's Kat."
Me: "Kevin, if you put me on the phone with him so help me..."
SLB: "*getting closer* I want to talk to her."
Me: "Kevin! *putting on best charm* Good evening, sir."
SLB: "Hey, who is this? Are you the manager?"
Me: "No, unfortunately, our manager had to leave the state of Georgia for a family emergency. He left me in charge of the fish room until he returns later in the week."
SLB: "Yeah, well, this jerk won't refund me for YOUR SICK shark."
Me: "Unfortunately, the water conditions of your tank dictate that we can't refund your money for the shark. It was well outside of warranty, but the water just isn't hospitable for a shark."
SLB: "No, no, none of this crap again. I want to speak with the manager in person. Where is the manager?"
Me: "*sugary* He is in Ohio at the moment and outside cellular reach."
SLB: "Well, I want to talk with someone in person. You need to get down here right now."
Me: "Unfortunately, at the moment, I can't."
SLB: "Well, you need to."
Me: "No, what I need to do is finish sending my prints to the service bureau for my senior portfolio so I make sure I don't send a $90,000 and 3.5 year investment down the drain."
SLB: "..... when can you be here?"
Me: "I can be there perhaps between 8 and 9 o'clock tonight at the earliest. When would be...?"
SLB: "I'll be there *hangs up*."
.....
Needless to say, I'm fuming when I'm done sending my prints. I got done with the prints early, so I went down to the shop. After the SLB left, Kevin called back and apologized, asking what to do with the shark's corpse. I ask him to save it so I can do a brief exam. I wanted to see if he ever ate with them, and, if so, what he ate. When I get down to the shop, I pull the shark from the fridge and get my tools, but, as I turn it onto it's back, I don't need any. There are red and dark blotches all over its stomach. A symptom consistent of either too rough a substrate or too high of NO2 and/or NO3. I go, retest their water sample, and find the results to be the same as Kevin got. I checked the test kits against two or our systems and a second set of tests. Everything's reading just fine.
Then, begins the wait.
8:30 rolls around, and the shark people haven't shown up yet. However, my manager had called, so I gave him a heads up, without telling him my decision on the credit. The first words out of his mouth are something along the lines of how we could never give a refund with such rediculous test results. I concur, we have a mild banter and end the conversation quickly to free up the line.
.... 8:55 finally rolls around, and I get a phone call. It's Shark Lady, and she's being very pleasant and almost suck-up-y.
Me: "It's a wonderful day at [Store Name], this is Kat speaking, how may I help you?"
SL: "Hey, it's me with the shark."
Me: "Oh, hi.... I thought you guys were coming in? *teeth grinding at the anger of being torn away from my work for this BS*"
SL: "Yeah, well, I was just wondering how we were going to resolve the situation."
Me: "I've done a brief examine of the animal, as well as cross checked your water sample."
SL: "*hopefully* And?"
Me: "I'm very sorry, but I can't refund the animal."
SL: "Well, why the *profanity* not? *notice how the sugar from her voice is gone*"
Me: "Your NO2 and NO3 are completely off the charts."
SL: "Yeah, well, that's because I followed your stupid instructions."
Me: ".... huh?"
SL: "You told me to preserve the body!"
Me: "Uh... yeah.... by placing it in either a sealed bag or tuperware in your freezer or to bring it in that night."
SL: "Well, it was either the fridge or off the porch. If I put it on the porch, animals would eat it. And I'm not putting it in with the food I eat. Are you TRYING to get me sick?"
Me: "No, ma'am. So long as you are sealing the corpse up and freezing it, you won't have any issues. Afterall, an oven-stuffer chicken in your freezer is a carcass just like your shark. Or, really, if you freeze fish like salmon, tuna, mahi mahi, or anything like that it's just like freezing the shark."
SL: "No. YOUR shark is sick. You sold me a sick shark."
Me: "No, ma'am, I did not. Sharks do not eat if they are sick, and I fed him every other day at the least before you picked him up."
SL: "It was sick."
Me: "No, ma'am. Your water was of a highly toxic nature, with NO3 and NO2 in a severe range. The shark has burn-like markings on his body consistent with this."
SL: "That's from me leaving it in the tank."
Me: "What?!?"
SL: "I left it in the tank because I sure as s--- wasn't putting it in my freezer or on the back porch."
Me: "You don't need to use profanity, ma'am. We're adults."
SL: "I'M an adult."
Me: "*eyeroll* At any rate, I didn't base my judgement off of that anyway."
SL: "So, what? You just decided you didn't like me?"
Me: "No, I based my decision off of your specific gravity and your pH. Sharks are very sensistive animals and require constant vigilance of all your water perameters. I had a supsicion that the water sample may have been contaminated with the shark's body, which would have effected your NO2 and NO3. So, instead, I looked to your SG and pH. Your specific gravity is 1.017, well below the "safe" range of 1.020-1.025 for even common saltwater fish. And sharks generally prefer a higher specific gravity. Your specific gravity should be sitting right at 1.025 for a shark. But, regardless of what a shark prefers, your specific gravity and your pH are well below the levels that we can refund or give credit for any saltwater fish at."
SL: "It's body did that, When it decayed, it dropped the pH and the salinity. My brother's a fish breeder and he knows his stuff."
Me: "With all due respect to your brother, does he breed saltwater fish?"
SL: "No, African cichlids."
Me: "Alright, then. I would be willing to possibly believe that if there were a slight drop in either pH or specific gravity, but this is a pretty large drop. These things don't just suddenly happen on their own in a tank to create this large of a difference. Things have to be REALLY messed up in a tank for this to happen."
SL: "Then YOUR shark messed up MY tank."
Me: "No, your poor maintenance programme killed MY shark."
SL: "Well, YOUR shark had to be sick."
Me: "No, ma'am. My shark was healthy, eating, and behaving in a way that is classic for a coral cat shark to while he was in house. What happened when he got to your tank, I cannot say for certain, but it's fairly evident that someone- not necessarily you- did something VERY wrong which killed the shark over time."
SL: "Well, I want a refund."
Me: "I already told you, I won't refund the shark. I can't based off of our policy, which we were already breaking in this situation."
SL: "No, not for the shark."
Me: "Uh.... then, for what?"
SL: "For my tank. YOUR shark ruined my tank."
Me: "No, ma'am, you can fix this. You just need to do some big water changes, buffer the tank out, get the salinity right, and let it cycle. There's nothing wrong."
SL: "Yes there is. YOUR shark rotted in my tank and ruined it. It's all white and cloudy now."
Me: "That's just a bacteria bloom. If you let the tank cycle, and continue with doing water changes, it will go away."
SL: "No, your shark ruined my live sand, my live rock, my filter, and the tank. I want a refund."
Me: "I'm sorry, but we can't take anything back that's not in a re-sellable condition."
SL: "No, I'm not giving it back. You're just going to pay for what you ruined."
Me: "Uh.... the tank is made of a relatively innert material. The glass and silicon are fine."
SL: "Yes, but your shark ruined my liverock and livesand with its bad bacteria."
Me: "I can't refund live sand or liverock. If anything, I might be able to do credit for liverock, but it wouldn't be as much as you paid for it."
SL: "No, you're going to refund it, or I'm calling my lawyer. You've been very rude and dishonest to me."
Me: "Why? What have I said that's dishonest?"
SL: "You told me to leave the shark in the tank."
Me: "No. I told you to preserve the shark in your freezer if you had to, but to bring it in as soon as possible."
SL: "You're trying to kill me."
Me: "Look, I'm TRYING to get off the phone with you because I'm very done with this conversation. I cannot refund the shark because your water quality is god awful. I WILL NOT refund your equipment and live media because I can't. And, even if I could, I wouldn't refund your money without having the product in return. I've been honest and open. I'm here, at the shop, waiting for you to show up because your boyfriend told me to be here. I'm risking my graduation for you, and you don't have the decency to show up. So, unless you have a new argument, I am ending this conversation now."
SL: "I want to speak with your manager."
Me: "To be honest with you, I'll do one better. My name is [full, legal name], my manager is [Manager's Name]. We're [Store Name] located at [address], and this is our corporate number [phone number]. You can feel free to file a complaint, but I do not think anything will come of it in this situation."
SL: "No, I want to speak with your manager."
Me: "I already told you that he's in Ohio."
SL: "Well, I want to speak with him. I want the refund I deserve."
Me: "Look, I'm going to be extremely honest and candid with you, ma'am. [Manager]'s not the nice guy. He's the guy I send people to when I don't want to give them a refund, because he's far less apt to give a refund than I am. In fact, people come to me when they want refunds, because they know I want to work things out. I'm a virgo. I'm a people-pleaser. Him, he's a take-no-prisoners. If you stood any chance of getting a refund, it would be with me."
SL: "So, give me one."
Me: "I've told you a million times no. But, I'm trying to warn you. He's most likely NOT going to refund you a penny for any of this unless you come up with a better argument."
SL: "I want to speak with him."
Me: "Well, he's currently at a wake and funeral. He's coming home on Wednesday night, so you're going to have to wait until Thursday at the earliest."
SL: "I want to speak with him right now."
Me: "Well, I want a pony, but it's just not going to happen."
SL: "I'm filing a complaint against you."
Me: "Go right ahead, ma'am. And be sure to tell them about how I ruined your tank and tried to kill you. Have a good night."
*click*
.... she actually showed up to the shop in person on Thursday. My manager just looked at her and didn't let her open her mouth before he told her, "No." Any time she tried to raise an argument, he just said, "No." I ended up getting a corporate complaint against me, but, when the details were heard, including the accusation of attempted murder, it was laughed off by pretty much everyone, including corporate.
