funny

tstone

New member
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."
 
funny.jpg
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I love that second one. Too funny! I know somebody who'll be getting a dirty look tonight for repeating that one!
 
Gas for the drive to the convenient store: $20.00

Hooded winter jacket with large inside pocket to conceal identity and carry gun: $65.00

9mm handgun purchased from Ray-Jay up the block: $150.00

Failure to master holding on to your weapon during your planned armed robbery: PRICELESS (watch closely...)

link
 
THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT...





Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:



1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks a him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."



2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"



3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."



5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.



9. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.
 
The Pope and Bear Hunting


The Pope decided to take a couple of days off to visit the mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. His chauffeur was cruising along a campground
when he saw a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless
Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "Down with
Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing
around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of
them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental
activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that
guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and
has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding
up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
 
<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=9106243#post9106243 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by tstone
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Good god almight, who comes up with this stuff, LOL :lol:
 
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