Getting Significant Others to Understand....

[Taqpol]

I'm having a real problem with my girlfriend. This summer I decided to stay up at the university and do some undergrad research, and she went home to look for a job there. As it turns out things have been going very well for (I'm even getting paid!)but she has yet to find a job and is getting very stressed. Of course, as I'm sure most of you understand, when the girlfriend gets stressed I am the prime target for all anger. I hate to say I've gotten used to this, but starting my very first reef build this summer has not helped either. She absolutely can not understand the hours I spend just browsing RC or the exorbitant amount of money I just spent. Actually, I'm pretty sure the money is what bugs her most.

To anybody with experience, is there a good way to get your significant other to just accept and maybe even enjoy this wonderful hobby? I've seen this is a common theme between couples with a reef, I was wondering if we could make a support thread for those out there like me...

 

[Mr James]

Your significant other is your partner for life. If you make decisions together, then your tank, RC and all related items are discussed up front. Do you make decisions together?? If not, your business is your nusiness and she has no say in the matter.

Even after 5 years of marriage, the statement "I need to run it by my wife" holds true. We are a team and we make decisions together. I have a family that comes first, so my reef budget takes a back seat to the needs of the family.

You won't "make" her accept and enjoy your hobby. She may or may not over time. But you can talk about it together ahead of time so you both are making the decision.

Okay... that'll be $400 for the advice. I'll PM you my info. ha ha ha

 

[Playa-1]

I guess I'm lucky because my wife enjoys the reef as much as I do. In fact she is more dangerous with money at the LFS then I am
I think the gf should respect your choice of hobbies. There is definitely worse things you could be doing with your time and money.
I would just try to get her more involved. Maybe she would like to pick out some corals or some fishies and name them. How's she going to be when you get your 200 gallon?
Maybe time to find a new gf. The new gf should have a good job and like reef tanks. Maybe she will already have a 200 gal and a cool sports car you can drive :lol:

 

[abulgin]

I find that taking her to a spa for the weekend or buying her a diamond, or just reviewing her Nordstrom bills with her helps me out ;-)

My wife things I'm nuts. Can't understand my obsession, the money I spend, the time I spend, etc. She thinks the basement smells like the ocean and is humid, so she won't even go down there. When I start talking about fish with her, it's like her talking about handbags with me.

 

[Caragol]

Playa-1 is wise. Second on getting her more involved and letting her pick out a fish or a coral. If she's not into reefs, she's not into reefs, but your excitement and her little corner of the tank may help. It worked with my wife a bit, until a tang with ich showed up and infected/killed her clown goby (don't forget to quarantine!).

abulgin also has a great point, take some of your money and spoil her a bit. If you put all your cash into the tank while she's stressed out and jobless, it's just not going to help anything.

 

[downhillbiker]

it has been a battle the entire way for me. she loves the tank, but doesnt understand the money issue. i bought as cheap as i could, chinese RO/DI filter, odyssea metal halide, koralia 4 powerheads, small wal mart fans for cooling, ect. the livestock was mostly bought privately so i got savings there.

she still gets mad, but has no problem leaving me here to work while she goes to peru, australia, and florida, which she is doing all 3 this summer, but i am only paying for the trip to florida, oh and the trip to idaho next week to watch her brother graduate, $375 for 2 days in idaho

 

[bandh0526]

My husband and I got into this together...I guess we're a bit lucky that we have a hobby we both like. However, before our reef, it was RC airplanes! He spent an INSANE amount of money on those things! I would get upset he was always on the airplane websites, ordering stuff online ALL THE TIME! We got to where I told him, whatever money he spent on himself for his planes, I spend on myself for a hobby of mine.
I was getting manicures and highlights and a new purse and stuff all the time, then he realized it was pinching our wallets a little too hard. We finally found a hobby (this one) that we can do together and now all our others are kinda on a backburner. I mean, we HAVE to have that new halide bulb...and we HAVE to upgrade our protein skimmer, it's just too small...

 

[Tswifty]

I guess I'm a lucky one like Playa1... My g/f also enjoys the reef tank as much as I do. In fact our biggest battles are usually over what to put in the tank :lol:

I like to plan out my purchases, and she's an impulse buyer.

In the beginning she wasn't very interested though, until I bought a small 20g setup for her in college, and let her put whatever she wanted in it. After that she was hooked. Now she names all the fish, and gets mad if I feed them when she's not there.

Her favorite fish by far are the porcupine puffers though. In fact my next tank will more than likely end up being "her" puffer tank. :rolleye1:

 

[J.R.L.]

well i guess if you have the money this will work but anyway me and my gf have already decided i can get a huge #$% tank and she gets a tanning bed...kinda evens it out a little...not that she doesnt like the hobby but i think she should be able to have a "hobby" and something to do to

 

[BigJay]

When you figure this out, let me know. You will become a very rich man. For the most part, my wife hates the tank.

 

[fishoutawater]

I am in the same boat. My gf thinks I am certifiable for the amount of time I spend online here and tinkering in the garage. Ive tried getting her corals I know she liked at lfs and she did just name one of the fish,... Maybe in a few years she'll come around. Of course if that ever happens she will soon realize how much time and MONEY I have spent, maybe ignorance is bliss

 

[JUNI0R]

<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=12677751#post12677751 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by Caragol
Playa-1 is wise. Second on getting her more involved and letting her pick out a fish or a coral. If she's not into reefs, she's not into reefs, but your excitement and her little corner of the tank may help. It worked with my wife a bit, until a tang with ich showed up and infected/killed her clown goby (don't forget to quarantine!).

abulgin also has a great point, take some of your money and spoil her a bit. If you put all your cash into the tank while she's stressed out and jobless, it's just not going to help anything.

These two things work wonders.

 

[Taqpol]

Yeah, she was very excited to help me setup the tank and the rock work. She even went as far to say not to buy anything living for the tank until she gets to come up next time (which works out great for my cycle).

The whole hobby thing has always been a big issue between us. I am really into hobbies (Cars, building model wooden sailing ships, first FW and now SW fish) and as such I normally end up spending a lot of money. In my opinion though, she really doesn't have ANY hobbies, and as such doesn't understand my obsessions at all.

I'm going to let her pick/name the fish in my tank. Hopefully that will help!

 

[Bruno3047]

If your girlfriend or wife hates your tank, I would bet dollars to a hole-in-a-donut it's not about the money, even though she might say it is.

It's about the attention.

A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N

Think about it.......... Problem solved.

 

[Caragol]

WHOA! Listen to Bruno, he's brilliant... I've been guilty of this, don't let yourself get so comfortable in the relationship to where you're taking your wife/girlfriend for granted while putting all of your energy and excitement into your current hobby or anything else. Remember that forever, you'll need it for the rest of your life.

 

[silvers]

Good luck. Ive been in this hobby for 4 or 5 years now and I still get the same old crap. Im just wating to walk in one day to a posined tank.

 

[abulgin]

Hey, at least she knows where I am. I could be golfing or stuffing dollars into garter belts . . .

 

[sunfish11]

Sounds like she needs a hobby of her own besides you, LOL. My husband is very tollerant, even supportive in my reef addiction because he also has a dirt bike addiction that I am supportive of. He takes care of my reefs when I am out of town (which is a lot) and I go to races with him. Also, make sure you spend some quality non-reefing time with her. Us women have a tendency to be jealous of anything you spend more time on than us, including work, hobbies, friends, etc.

Lisa

 

[greggnyce]

You have to say " Look here woman, I want a reef and I am going to have it." That is not what I said to mine but try it out. jk. She picks the stuff out and I take care of it.

 

[sjj80]

Unfortuanately some partners just don't understand. Personally I would love to have a husband that had something he was passionate about. I'm in the process of divorce (his dismay for my tank didn't help among other things), but the fact that I have interest in different fun aspects of life and he just wants to work, go out drinking and complain all the time, well needless to say we just aren't compatible. Since we've seperated I've actually been able to really stock my tank for the first time in 2.5 yrs. I'm hoping that when he comes to visit the kids this weekend that he'll see what's in the tank and appreciate it more.

Either way, if your hobbies or interests upset your gf and can't be resolved by giving her more attention, letting her pick some livestock or helping her with a hobby of her own then you may have a deeper compatibility issue.