Getting Significant Others to Understand....

[useskaforevil]

i'd say just put the fishtank out of eyesight from the kitchen and the laundryroom, tell her you got rid of it, and you're all set.

lucky for me my girlfreind loves the tank, enough so that she asked me to help her set up a 12 gallon that would just be hers.

 

[jhildebrand]

I totally feel for you. My ex-wife never quite understood the obsession. Unfortunately, you either get it or you don't.

On the other hand, wife v2.0 has been sucked into my world (amazing what a 14 gal nano can do) and now takes every opportunity to debate methodologies or point out when I'm incorrect. I love it. It's also a blast to share it with someone who understands. After 15 years or so of saltwater, I've never had more fun.

If you woman doesn't "get it" however, be prepared to experience a pain in your wallet like nothing you've ever experienced, given that she's going to get $1 for every one you spend on this hobby for something she enjoys. If you can't afford that, well, you might want to scale back operations for a while.

Now if you spend all your time on the computer or under the tank instead of asking how her day went or coming to bed on time, you may be asking for it to some degree. It's a delicate balancing act.

Good luck to you. I can tell you this though, this hobby has become a lot more enjoyable since getting settled in a career and having the means to do it right. It will be easier in time. Good luck!

 

[tush]

<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=12679048#post12679048 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by sjj80
Unfortuanately some partners just don't understand. Personally I would love to have a husband that had something he was passionate about. I'm in the process of divorce (his dismay for my tank didn't help among other things), but the fact that I have interest in different fun aspects of life and he just wants to work, go out drinking and complain all the time, well needless to say we just aren't compatible. Since we've seperated I've actually been able to really stock my tank for the first time in 2.5 yrs. I'm hoping that when he comes to visit the kids this weekend that he'll see what's in the tank and appreciate it more.

Either way, if your hobbies or interests upset your gf and can't be resolved by giving her more attention, letting her pick some livestock or helping her with a hobby of her own then you may have a deeper compatibility issue.

*applause*
I understand you completely... we got the tank so my husband COULD have a hobby... something to interest him... and guess who's it is now?... its okay... when he starts complaining about the cost - i remind him its HIS tank!

 

[Lunabud74]

LOL... I'm getting a giggle out of this one. See it goes like this.....

I'm the one with the reef and fur (I spin yarn) obsession. He is the one with the guitar and RC plane obsession. The tank obsession use to be his (FW), but he does not have the patience to take care of a tank (cleaning is just not his forte nor is feeding nor is water changes or topping off). So I took over the tank and converted it to SW.

Here is the thing. We both have our hobbies which we both do every day, yet at the end of the day the last thing we both hear is 'I Love You.' We also make time to spend with one another. Wether it is watching a program on telly or playing frisbee golf.

I'm not going to say this is true or not, but she might just be jealous that you are spending what she sees as a large chunk of your money and time on a 'stupid' tank when you could be spending more time with her. Then again, you two might just not be compatible.

But don't take my word for it. You know what is in your heart.

 

[Lunabud74]

Oh.... I forgot to add that when his buddies come over he drags them over to the tank to show them. It's pretty darn cute that he actually takes pride in what I do. Guess that's why I took him off the market and married him....lol

 

[Bruno3047]

It's a tough situation and one definitely needs to be shrewd, if not downright calculating.

At this point in time, you should have some idea of the things that get your girlfriend/wife's juices flowing. Maybe it’s a day at Lord & Taylor, or Saks, or maybe it's a Broadway show, a trip to NY, a trip to a nice beach (something you both could enjoy, she sun-baths while you snorkel).

What ever it is, take some time out of your busy schedule and make some time JUST FOR HER. I don't mean to throw some money at her and say, "here, go shopping", but do something that she likes to do TOGETHER. And if you do this, don't ever throw it back into her face that you did, because that just kills the whole purpose.

When she sees that you are interested in seeing her happy again, maybe she'll reciprocate. Women have a tremendous capacity to please when they're happy.

Of course, there's always the alternative.

A divorce lawyer.

 

[gskidmor]

Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it

All kidding aside, I think Bruno3047's posts are right on the money - if she's that mad at you then it's something else - she's upset and stressed...it's like anorexia & bulimia (sp?) - it's not about food, it's about control; people that suffer from these conditions (generally) feel they have no control over their lives and attempt to control the one thing they can (like I said, generally speaking, not always the case). It sounds like your girl if feeling helpless - she can't get a job, things aren't going her way, and you're her man - something most women can control, and she's trying.

I would say give Bruno's ideas a shot - pay a little more attention to her right now, listen to complain about her job search, engage her a little more. if it doesn't work and you don't want to get rid of your tank, think about finding someone who shares some more of your interests

 

[Macimage]

You have been given very good advice in many of these posts.

The disturbing part of your post states:

"Of course, as I'm sure most of you understand, when the girlfriend gets stressed I am the prime target for all anger."

There may be many stresses over a person's or couple's lifetime. Just to name a few; aging parents with alzeheimers, parental death, loss of a child, loss of a job, home foreclosure, etc. I am sure you get the idea.

If you partner with another that does not handle stress well (this time it is that she can not find a job), you should think long and hard about a lifetime with someone that takes their anger on a bad situation out on their partner's happiness. I am always happy that my husband's business is doing well when I hit a snag and vice versa. He has his expensive hobbies and I have mine.

With all that being said, I am assuming that you do not spend ALL your time and money on your reef hobby. If you do not spend time with her because you would always rather work on your reef or you can not take her out to dinner because you bought a coral, ignore all of the above!

Joyce

 

[rioshilo]

I agree with the above in that it's likely an underlying issue. However it could also be a compatibility issue which would be better addressed now as opposed to later when it becomes more complicated. I also had to upgrade to wife vs2.0 and let me tell you, it is so much better when there are multiple hobbies we enjoy doing together.

In fact, I have to be the sensible one and tell her that we can't build that rockcrawler yet, or, that we can't upgrade the tank yet...

 

[FishTruck]

Re: Getting Significant Others to Understand....

<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=12677511#post12677511 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by Taqpol
I'm having a real problem with my girlfriend. This summer I decided to stay up at the university and do some undergrad research, and she went home to look for a job there. As it turns out things have been going very well for (I'm even getting paid!)but she has yet to find a job and is getting very stressed. Of course, as I'm sure most of you understand, when the girlfriend gets stressed I am the prime target for all anger. I hate to say I've gotten used to this, but starting my very first reef build this summer has not helped either. She absolutely can not understand the hours I spend just browsing RC or the exorbitant amount of money I just spent. Actually, I'm pretty sure the money is what bugs her most.

To anybody with experience, is there a good way to get your significant other to just accept and maybe even enjoy this wonderful hobby? I've seen this is a common theme between couples with a reef, I was wondering if we could make a support thread for those out there like me...

Whatever intolerance she shows NOW for the things you love (besides her) will only increase if you put a ring on that hand.

Not to fret, the benefits of a good wife eclipse any of the time one might otherwise waste on WarCraft, Bars, yada yada...

BUT...

if you can't find time to do what you want before you get married... watch out.

As it turns out, I agreed to give up 100% all video / computer games with the consolation that I could re-activate my aquarium hobby. It was a fine trade-off... but... she has no idea how many thousands of dollars that one cost her! :lol: :lol: or me :eek2:

If you gut says bail... then LISTEN TO IT. Otherwise... hang in there.

 

[sjj80]

I agree that it's bad if she takes her anger out on you anytime she's stressed. My soon to be ex husband is a very miserable person and has dragged me down with him over the last seven years (misery loves company) and now that we've seperated I'm trying to get my life back. If all her negative emotions are projected onto you then GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!

One thing you can try if the above doesn't apply to your situation then try showing more interest in her concerns, talk with her. Also a suprise day at the spa so she "can take her mind off things" would be a great way to show you care and for her to unwind.

 

[jthao]

dude, take it from me (if you want), but I've been with my gf for over 3 years. she's been with me through all sorts of hobby crazes that I've picked up. all in all, women just want attention. Bruno is right on the dot. women need attention and it doesn't matter what your hobbies are, if it involves her, she'll be happy.
just example: I'm into motorcycling ( stunting/racing etc..) and so I bought her a helmet and jacket and take her on rides with me. she's cool with it ever since. Reefing: she hated how I spent all my time on my tank and on RC. I bought here a nano and got her fishes and corals so she has to take care of it, problem solved.
Most likely it's not the money, it's just the lack of attention.

 

[vonodie1]

I don't have much useful to add...

The one about the tanning bed sure sounded familiar to me! Hubby bought a new to him vehicle on the condition that I could get a tanning bed. I still have my tanning bed.

The other thing is....He let me purchase a 180g tank stand and canopy along with a few other things in January 2006. He still hasn't let me fill the dang thing up with water yet and it's June 2008! (I understood the first year as we knew we were going to be moving 10 hours from where we were) WE are here now and I am still waiting, BUT it looks likely that we will be MOVING again- so I am stuck waiting.

I think the tank and stuff will be going into storage until we know for sure which way we are going, BUT I have him talked into letting me get a 29g bio cube. (at least that will be easier to move) He just needs to give me his danged credit card to order it!

 

[CoreyK]

Unless you've agreed to support her financially, and the tank is making that impossible, she needs to shut it.

 

[schmidt01]

My husband and I were in a similar situation before I got into reefing. He used to play this pirate game online ALL the time. Literally every waking moment when he wasn't at work he was online. It got to the point where I had to tell him, it's the game or me. It was rediculous! But I was feeling really neglected, he listened to me, and we agreed he would play his game for a couple of hours each night and he'd spend a couple of hours with me. It worked out really well and I didn't end up throwing our laptop out the window or getting a divorce.
However, at the time I didn't have a hobby of my own and my whole life revolved around him. Not a healthy situation. Since then I've gotten into reefing and a couple of other hobbies and now I understand how he could get so into something that he didn't want to do anything else. I know now that it doesn't mean that you don't love your partner if you sometimes spend too much time focusing on other things... but the key word there is "sometimes"...
Bottom line... you need to compromise and spend give her your undivided attention at times and she needs to understand that you have a passion for something and she needs to be supportive of that or she's going to alienate you. If she still doesn't get it, you should probably move on.
If she's feeling insecure about your relationship, she could be mad that you're spending money on your tank instead of buying her a ring...

 

[bsagecko]

I am only 17 and getting my mom to understand that certain things are just the way they are like the fact that an RO/DI is a neccesity is diffucult the key is to get stuff she likes and take care of it hence why i have a 150g FOWRL and my 90g reef tank....that way everyone wins and she gets alot of home improvements done fyi just finished the walk in closet.........never doing that again.......now she says she wants to remodel the bathroom...(summer will be fun....not)

 

[slumpysix]

<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=12677751#post12677751 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by Caragol
Playa-1 is wise. Second on getting her more involved and letting her pick out a fish or a coral. If she's not into reefs, she's not into reefs, but your excitement and her little corner of the tank may help. It worked with my wife a bit, until a tang with ich showed up and infected/killed her clown goby (don't forget to quarantine!).

abulgin also has a great point, take some of your money and spoil her a bit. If you put all your cash into the tank while she's stressed out and jobless, it's just not going to help anything.

yup ^^^ what he said....

BTW Caragol..
That is the funniest avatar I have ever seen...

 

[Taqpol]

Well, she got a call from the HR department saying that they are trying to scrounge up some money for her salary. For her and my sake I hope she gets this!

I 100% agree with what people have been saying about the attention thing. Whenever she deems that I haven't been spending enough time with her its always the stupid *insert hobby of the month here*. I really wish I could get her hooked on a hobby (when she's not with me all she really does is watch TV or maybe read a book) so that she could understand why I do what I do. Any suggestions for what kind of hobby I could try and get her hooked on?

All that being said, this girl is absolutely wonderful 90% of the time. We are high school sweethearts that have been dating almost three years (one in high school, one while I was away at college, and now one while we are both at college) and have known each other much longer than that. With that in mind, all this "ring" stuff kinda creeps me out as I haven't even turned twenty one yet...

 

[Bruno3047]

There must be something she enjoys that doesn't cost a lot of money.

Use your imagination.

 

[tankjunky]

I guess I got prety lucky with mine cause she just says its your money. do with it what you will. I dont care. She is very understanding and every time she looks at it. wich she isnt at my house a lot, she is always loving it and wants more purple things in it