Best Joke Wins a prize
- Thread starter freddie40
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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
The Grim Reefer
Ready for some NOBALL!!!
What did the fish say to the other fish when he swam into the concrete wall?
DAM!!!
DAM!!!
Misfit6669
In Memoriam
There are three guys walking on the beach, a Coloradoan, a Texan, and a Californian.
So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Texan what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in Colorado to be happy and free, and back in Texas." So the genie goes poof. It's done.
Then the genie says to the Californian "What do you want?" And the Californian says "I want all my Californian brothers to be back in California, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in California.
So the genie says to the Coloradoan, "What's your one wish?" And the Coloradoan says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the Texans and Californians are out of Colorado?" The genie goes yeah, and the Coloradoan says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then
So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Texan what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in Colorado to be happy and free, and back in Texas." So the genie goes poof. It's done.
Then the genie says to the Californian "What do you want?" And the Californian says "I want all my Californian brothers to be back in California, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in California.
So the genie says to the Coloradoan, "What's your one wish?" And the Coloradoan says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the Texans and Californians are out of Colorado?" The genie goes yeah, and the Coloradoan says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then
clowninaround74
New member
well i thought it was pretty good when my roomate said he was going to make a big profit on this hobby!!!!
haha!
haha!
Bebo77
Premium Nonpaying Member
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
clowninaround74
New member
that was in this months playboy....lol
The Grim Reefer
Ready for some NOBALL!!!
Did you hear about the illegitimate Rice Krispy?
He didn't have a Pop
He didn't have a Pop
clowninaround74
New member
so who wins this little contest!!!
G.SMITHII
New member
#1
this guys gettin ready for work when a breaking new report comes on the news
500lb crazed gorilla escapes zoo. Authorities up in arms trying to catch it.
guy didn't think much of it until he got hit in the back of the head with a roof shingle when he was leaving the house.
guy turns around, and there is the gorilla, on his roof, throwing shingles.
just then this lil old man pulls up in a animal control truck, and hops out with a ladder, shotgun, handcuffs and a little dog.
old man hands the guy the shot gun and ther hancuffs and tells him the plan.
"im goin up there. im going to throw that gorilla off the roof. when he is falling, that little dog is going to jump up and bite him in the balls. when the gorilla goes for the dog, you hadcuff the SOB, got it?
guy like yea, but whats the shotgun for?
oh, says the lil old man. if that gorilla throws me off the roof, you shoot that f***ing dog.....
#2The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
#3
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
this guys gettin ready for work when a breaking new report comes on the news
500lb crazed gorilla escapes zoo. Authorities up in arms trying to catch it.
guy didn't think much of it until he got hit in the back of the head with a roof shingle when he was leaving the house.
guy turns around, and there is the gorilla, on his roof, throwing shingles.
just then this lil old man pulls up in a animal control truck, and hops out with a ladder, shotgun, handcuffs and a little dog.
old man hands the guy the shot gun and ther hancuffs and tells him the plan.
"im goin up there. im going to throw that gorilla off the roof. when he is falling, that little dog is going to jump up and bite him in the balls. when the gorilla goes for the dog, you hadcuff the SOB, got it?
guy like yea, but whats the shotgun for?
oh, says the lil old man. if that gorilla throws me off the roof, you shoot that f***ing dog.....
#2The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
#3
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
outlaw60
New member
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
A half-gallon 2 % milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice ,
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. bag of coffee,
And 1 lb. package of bacon .
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
A half-gallon 2 % milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice ,
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. bag of coffee,
And 1 lb. package of bacon .
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
outlaw60
New member
Read all the way to the end. It's great!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
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