OT : Child Custody Help Needed...

salt e · Aug 23, 2006

I know that this isn't really the place for this... but i really have no clue where to turn...

I have a 2 (almost 3 in November) y/o son, his name is Hunter... Hunters' mother and I have been apart for around 1and a half years now... before the split, we were together for around 5 years... I do what i can to help provide for him (which most of the time honestly is not much, personal reasons.)... she is a great mother and he wants or needs for nothing as she provides well and has much family support (*her mother) as well... the personal reason listed above is that it has become nearly impossible to hold a job because of transportation issues happening one after another, not to speak of the more recent Impound which costed 1k. (*i know*... im selling the car after its out the shop

)

Here is the issue at hand...
I rent a 5 bedroom house out in Torrance, moved here about 3-4 months ago... before then i lived in Palmdale with my Grandmother. My son Hunter lives in Palmdale as well with his mother and her mom... they will soon be moving to San Diego from what i hear... that is why i need to know what options i may have IF ANY at all

Since i have moved further South into Torrance, from Palmdale, it has become even harder to see my son... (not acting like i have been the greatest dad) but i went from seeing him SOMETIMES (1-3 times a week) to once or twice a month... His mother will not let him spend the night beacuse she does not like my current steady GF of 1 year.

I was only allowed to have him 1 day withen the past 4 months in which i took him to the aquarium in LB. Since that day... she will not allow me to spend any more personal time with him because she is bitter that i dropped him off along with my current GF in the car. ...(whatever)... now she will not let me see him under any circumstance.

like i said...I honestly have not been the best dad...and i have done very little to support my son ($ wise). because i can not give what his mother wants the most (besides my misery) since my car is ALWAYS IN THE SHOP and i have $2,300 in rent (split between 3 room mates) NOT INCLUDING BILLS... But i try to give my son all the time i have in the world... i think its sad that in order to be a father it comes along with a price tag...but i guess...thats the way it is.

I have finally grown sick of trying to deal with this woman who is completely heartless when it comes to me and my son...
I need some advice...has anyone here been through simular events reguarding your children... does anyone know PERSONALLY an attorney / lawyer that i may be able to speak to reguarding the matter... i think that between her and I, coming to a happy medium is near impossible... im not asking for full or even half coustody.... just 1 or 2 days a week AT LEAST...3 days would be prime... but im not going to push it... I just want to be a father. ( i know that being a" father" comes along with responsibilities. and part of those responsibilities is financually supporting your child....spare me the lecture...i already know). If i go about this in the matter in which i want... i will soon be in jail... i think the courts might be my best option.

(pictures below are from our LB Aquarium day...just father and son...)

salt e · Aug 23, 2006

salt e · Aug 23, 2006

orlenz · Aug 23, 2006

I am no attorney, but I can offer you some experience I had with my divorce and custody.

The court is mosy likely to grant physical custody to whichever person the child is living with at the time of the divorce ( unless there is something major going on, like drugs , alcoholism, abuse)

the courts profess to want what is in the best interest for the child, they do not want to uproot the child if he/she is allready in a stable environment.

it sounds like all you are asking for is your visitation rights,
and by the way visitation has nothing to do with child support,
it may make the other parent mad if you fall behind but it is NOT a reason to deny visitation, as far a moving to a different county, unless the other parent really has a compelling reason to move the child farther away from you the court frowns upon it, the best situation for all is for the child to get to see both parents as much as possible, the court may set visitation for everyother weekend, one night during the week and a week or two during summer, parents usually swap birthdays and holidays, each year.
try talking it out with your ex hopefully you two can put your differences aside long enough to work somthing out while your waiting for your court date, once you go to court things are set, the court uses formulas to figure out your child support, so there is really not much negotiating there,
once you go to court your visitation will be enforcable by law.
the court realises that it is in the best interest of the child to have the love and support of both parents, so just hang in there it will get better, I know it's hard to do sometimes but if you can have a friendly and cooperative realtionship with your ex, its best for everybody involved. remember your going to be doing this a long time, good luck to you. hang in there.

joetattooo · Aug 23, 2006

if u are going to go to court u need to go first if u make the first move it makes it look alot better

salt e · Aug 23, 2006

is that really true...? does it matter who presses the issue... i really need to speak to an attorney i can see... does anyone know of one they might be able to refer... i would prefer it to be someone you have personally delt with or know personally...not just a name out of a phone book...orlenz...any ideas?

reefpeep2004 · Aug 23, 2006

I was a fortunate single mom who's ex understood that EVERYTHING comes second to paying child support. I realize you would like to spend time with your son, and yes, a court will help you do that...but, don't you really think you should have rented a $600 single in Long Beach before you took on a $2300 rental (what happens when the roommates flake or move out?). You should make regular child support payments even if you can't make the full amount. At least that shows you are trying.

BTW, if the mommy was the ogre you'd like to make her out to be, she'd have already garnished your wages OR YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT insurance. Even welfare can be garnished.

My advice? Respect moms wishes that the time you spend with your son is NOT accompanied by a GF. Make constant payments of some type to contribute to support. Save the money you'd spend on an attorney (think thousands) and support Hunter.

The whole family will be better off. It really IS about the welfare of the child and it's not up to the mom to bear that responsibility alone, even if she can afford it. I think she'd chill alot if she saw you making a good effort. Why enrich an attorney?

jbrown11352 · Aug 23, 2006

Touchy subject here. While reefpeep has made some good points, I would encourage you to get an attorney. That is the only regret I have when I went through my divorce and custody battle. I filed after trying for 4 months to see my daughter with no end in sight. I wanted to keep it a peaceful agreement in regards to visitation, but sometimes its better to let the courts decide these things. FYI, she will most likely have an attorney so you need to protect yourself legally as well.

salt e · Aug 23, 2006

i will reply afater i put some food in the stomach...brb

jjirsa78 · Aug 23, 2006

How about thinking about some other options to make spending time easier? Obvious step #1: Move back to Palmdale - you'll be closer to your son AND you'll save money in rent.

orlenz · Aug 23, 2006

[ really need to speak to an attorney i can see... does anyone know of one they might be able to refer... i would prefer it to be someone you have personally delt with or know personally...not just a name out of a phone book...orlenz...any ideas? [/B]

I had a good fair attorney, he is now a judge so he's out of the question, hopefully someone here knows a good fair attorney to help you through this without starting a war with your ex.

viveros1231 · Aug 23, 2006

i think this is a touchy subject. i honestly agree with reefpeep. i have two kids of my own. i have a 1 and 2 yr old. they are my life and i cannot imagine what you must feel not seeing your son on a daily basis. i feel you should really concentrate on your son he should be your #1 priority. girlfriends in my experiance are expensive. i would do anything possible not to get your x-factor mad in any way. she is the one who is supporting your son (from what you said you have not been the greatest pops) & she has that going for her if it comes to going to court she is the one with more stabilty. i honestly would be as nice as possible to the mother of you child. i would try to stay out of court. i would give whatever i could from each paycheck( even if its 25-50.00 you are making in effort) just to show her that you are trying. not only that but its the right thing to do. i would show up on days that she is not expecting you and invite the both of them out to dinner. i would not have a girlfriend until i get my situation right with my son and visitations. i think there is allot you could do if you really want to see you son. i am not trying to lecture. sorry if it comes out that way i just could not fathom not seeing my kids every day and i feel bad for you. is there any way you could move closer to where they are moving? anyhow, i wish you the best of luck. i hope things work out for you bro!

bassnman11 · Aug 23, 2006

There are several fathers rights organizations out there. They charge very little and can help point you in the right direction. We did this with my son so he could get vivitation with his daughter. Sorry to say that the courts almost always give preference to the mother but you should get visitation. Best of luck.

NicoleC · Aug 23, 2006

My Mom would have pitched a fit if my father had a girlfriend spend the night with me there! My dad was a big fat ^%$# in many ways, but he never missed a child support payment and gladly helped with big expenses like braces. In return for being responsible and dependable, he got to see me pretty much any time he wanted to.

Let's recap, shall we? You have an expensive house, expensive hobby, seem happy that grandma pays the bills that are your responsibility, you chose to move away from them and now expect her to schedule to accomodate your geographic problems, have flaunted your disregard for her concerns about who the child may be around, don't provide any kind of stable support, and have now threatened her here in this forum.

And you wonder why she doubts your responsibility, accountability and priorities? You're questioning it, why shouldn't she?

If you want to see your son, you need to get your act together. It's time to seriously rethink what's important in your life and make the changes needed to get it. If your son is the most important thing in your life -- and IMO he should be -- that may mean you have to make some hard choices.

mcox33 · Aug 23, 2006

IME
California courts stink, they don't care what is best for a child, they care about who is lining their pockets with money or has pull to get them re-elected.

I know of a case where the mother was in and out of the loony bin for months and years at a time. The kids were beaten, thrown accross the room and more horrible stuff that I will not go into. Yet she managed to keep custody of the kids until they were teenagers. At which point she just decided she didn't want them anymore. And ask Dad's Girlfriend if the kids could live with them.

I have been on both sides of the custody thing in 5 states and California is the worst I have seen.

But they do have mediation. You might try that and once she sees you are serious she might decide to co-operate. If not get the best attorney you can find. (Even if you can't afford him you will definately need him/her)

As for the girlfriend, if this is a new casual girlfriend then maybe not the best idea to include her when doing things with your child. Children form attachments very easily at that age and then get hurt when the girlfriend gets replaced. However if the relationship has been going on for several months and you see it continuing into the future then by all means include her so your child can get to know and like her.

Just the opinion of a Mom who has been there. Your ex needs to realize she is the ex not the current and put her feelings aside for the best interest of the child. When she can do that, then she will truely be the Terriffic Mom that you say she is. But until she does then she is to immature to put the childs needs before her own, and in a lot of states that is enough reason for courts to change custody.

Beside California has an emergency custody thing where you go file your papers (you can do this without and attorney) and the stamp them and give you a copy that you then take to the police and go pick up your son. I don't know exactly how it works, but if you go this route do not lie to get the order. Just say she won't let you see him and you fear that he may not be getting the care that he needs the reason you are asking for emergency custody

Sk8r · Aug 23, 2006

There's another reason for not including the girlfriend---and mcox is right about the confusion; but there's also the anger of a child at whatever age who's had his world disrupted and people declaring new loyalties. Best for your relationship with the child to meet him solo, where he is your only focus, and where he can feel assured of your attention. Kids can feel politics going on even when they don't have a clue what's going on, and they do understand jealousy, and competition for affection, and all sorts of life-lessons it's not good to learn too early. Put yourself in his place, and look at the situation through his eyes, and try to give him a tranquil, happy experience when he's with you.

SteveOhh · Aug 23, 2006

<a href=showthread.php?s=&postid=7994104#post7994104 target=_blank>Originally posted</a> by NicoleC
My Mom would have pitched a fit if my father had a girlfriend spend the night with me there! My dad was a big fat ^%$# in many ways, but he never missed a child support payment and gladly helped with big expenses like braces. In return for being responsible and dependable, he got to see me pretty much any time he wanted to.

Let's recap, shall we? You have an expensive house, expensive hobby, seem happy that grandma pays the bills that are your responsibility, you chose to move away from them and now expect her to schedule to accomodate your geographic problems, have flaunted your disregard for her concerns about who the child may be around, don't provide any kind of stable support, and have now threatened her here in this forum.

And you wonder why she doubts your responsibility, accountability and priorities? You're questioning it, why shouldn't she?

If you want to see your son, you need to get your act together. It's time to seriously rethink what's important in your life and make the changes needed to get it. If your son is the most important thing in your life -- and IMO he should be -- that may mean you have to make some hard choices.

Bingo Alex, we have a winner!!!!

Not to sound like an a$$ or anything like that, but I also think your priorities need some serious rearranging. Reef keeping is an expensive hobby & should come second to your child. You say that you can't afford to send your child money becuase your car is in the shop, yet you are constantly posting about what you've bought or what you want to buy for your tank. If I was your ex, I'd be ****ed off also, because you can afford to upkeep an expensive hobby, but can't financially support your own kid? You could be the greatest dad in the world emotionally, but everything in this world requires money. Everytime you buy something new for your tank, you are taking money from your child's mouth. If it were me, my tank & equipment would have been gone yesterday. If you do go to court, the judge is going to want to know what type of finanicial assistance you are providing for this child. If you tell him/her that it is minimal, he's not going to want to hear the rest of your story. Not to mention, he will probably order you to pay a certain amount of child support, & if you fail on that, well..........................we all know what happens (driver's license suspended, wage garnishment.) I'd get your priorities straight before going the legal route. You may get more visitation but at a cost.

JMO

Steve

bennyinca · Aug 23, 2006

A lot of good points already mentioned. I think there is a lot of good advice to be taken. It is not uncommon for the parents to say what their needs are, but it is most important to think from the perspective of the child, and what is best for them. At age <3, <b>they need stability</b>, I doubt they can comprehend what is going on.

If you cannot get a referral to an attorney, search for one online http://www.legalzoom.com/ Most offer a free initial consultation and is very useful to get an idea what your situation is like.

But learning everything (the basics) from an attorney will cost you $$$/hr. Get some books and start doing some homework. IMO this may be the best money spent, second to spending on your child, and on your attorney.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/09...coding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance&n=283155

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/09...coding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance&n=283155

Best of luck!

ezcompany · Aug 23, 2006

salt e, i will ask my lawyer if she can recommend anyone in that field if you cannot find someone "personal" enough.

salt e · Aug 23, 2006

i haven't finished reading all of the comments as of yet but let me get started in replying... my CURRENT gf and i have been together STRONGLY for a little over a year now and talk about marrige OFTEN...while my sons mother on the other hand seems to be heavy in the dating sceen, Myspace temp dating apparently...but that is her choice...SO PLEASE TRY AND TELL ME I CANT HAVE MY CHILD AROUND THE WOMAN IM CONSIDERING TO BE MY WIFE...she hates my current GF cause 3 months AFTER we split up...i met my GF who i am with now...i dont expect anyone to schedule to accomodate my geographic problems... i rent a car to spend time with my son when i am allowed to or i borrow my GF's in the case mine is out of the question, assuming that i dont do what i can to see him is way wrong...all the money i could give her is spent on rent-a-cars and gas and she knows this...i will not move back close to her cause she is CRAZY and has made attempts to have my car stolen and has damaged my vehicle on many occasions (yes i have police reports)... She gets money when i have enough to spare, but she does get money, just NOT AS MUCH AS SHE MAY WANT, which is normally in the $3-4 HUNDRED range...(what ever ammount that may be to make it impossible for me to pay my rent/bills)... THIS GIRL IS SPOILED ROTTON AND NEEDS NO CASH....her brother is the TOP Account Executive for Country Wide Home Loans IN THE NATION and makes $2+ MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR AND GIVES THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT and NEED... i understand that it is no one elses job to take care of my son...but you know what...im not asking for coustody..im asking to be a father.... also...dont get it twisted...she is a Great Mom.... but she is a PSYCO ^%$*&^ as well on the same token. when i say that i cant provide much...i mean she gets what i have... buying fish and everything else are gifts from my GF...i dont spend a $ on it... seriously not a penny... she pays for everything... dont believe me...ask ANYONE who saw me at RAP... she is in Dentristy and can afford my expensive hobbies...which luckly in this case have turned into HER HOBBY as well...BUT i will not allow her to support my son, he is not her responcibility in any case even though she does provide sometimes AGAINST MY WILL if his mother is being that stupid. if it wasnt for my GF now, i would be in such a bind...she helps with EVERYTHING including with rent and my car AND my son on top of that....also let me say that when my car IS working and not being damaged by the Psyco...i am a Sr. Loan Officer in the Mortgage business and work down in San Diego, in the process of transfering up here... I cant live in PALMDALE and do the work i do cause the split is $#!T and i make NO CASH...so i travel a long way for a shiny quarter, and when i am getting paid...SHE GETS BANK. wage garnishment is out of the question...i am SELF EMPLOYED and file 1099.... i make what i want when i want... if i wanted to downsize while im in the office during the court proceedings and make it look like i make $600 a month...that can be done... since my car has been acting up, i have been @ a horrible disadvantage here...WHEN I WORK...she gets HER CUT and she makes sure of it...

what i think that some of you are thinking that i have an issue, like i dont want to pay, but i just want to see my son...WRONG... i WANT to go to court...i WANT to have a set ammount to pay each month... and i ALSO WANT TO SEE MY SON WITHOUT HAVING TO JUMP THROUGH HER LOOP HOLES WHEN EVER SHE IS ON HER RAG*!...

the reason i consider myself to not always been the best father is mostly cause early in his life i felt trapped into having him and wanted nothing to do with him... the whole first year of his life i didnt help much at all...so i stay hard on myself. but alot has changed.OBVIOUSLY*!

I also forgot to mention one very important thing.. 2 days ago i called her to speak to my son and to find out when i can come and pick the baby up again... i also told her i have $300 cash to give her... she told me "You can keep your fu*#!N cash... i hope you enjoyed the time you spent with your son cause that is the last time you will see him!"...as well as telling me that she is back dating her High School sweet heart...like i care... i told her i dont care about her personal life...my only concern is my son... then she said...,"dont worry about him, a real man is taking care of him..." LMAO...like i care... i honestly dont give a $#!T. she is obviously still not over the fact that her and I are still not together, which she has made COUNTLESS attempts to split up my GF and I including threating her over the phone, in person, and on voice mails..., talks trash about my GF and gets mad that my GF has no responce to her childish ways....i just want to spend time with my son... and the moment i offer to pay her and i can show that i am trying, she just trys to make it more difficult by not giving me a way out :mad2: i am not going to get rid of my GF / soon to be Fiancee' to make this _____ happy....

OT : Child Custody Help Needed...

salt e

In Memoriam

salt e

In Memoriam

salt e

In Memoriam

orlenz

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joetattooo

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salt e

In Memoriam

reefpeep2004

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jbrown11352

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salt e

In Memoriam

jjirsa78

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orlenz

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viveros1231

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bassnman11

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NicoleC

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mcox33

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Sk8r

SteveOhh

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bennyinca

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ezcompany

salt e

In Memoriam

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