Our 400 Gallon In Wall Natural Sun-Lit Reef"
- Thread starter jdpiii3
- Start date
jdpiii3
Member
As I write this I'm on another journey flying across this great Nation to see RUSH's R40 Live this weekend's stop was in Denver, Colorado we've been here many times to see RUSH. One of the most memorable would have to be in 2002 during the Vapor Trails tour Blake and his family drove in from Albuquerque, New Mexico and met Kelly and me here. I remember that weekend and the great times we spent together. I do so miss those times, now those wonderful times are just memories.
As I continue on my journey to finding myself the loneliness I feel weights on my heart and mind. Hoping somewhere out there I'll find that happiness once again, the struggle is real and never ending. The emotional strength it takes to push away the fear is exhausting and at times it knocks me down but it's something I must do if I want to be healthy again, to live again, and to love again.
I started to feel alone and abandoned in a pretty short time after Kelly's passing. Grief is a greedy monster. It is not satisfied with tearing my heart to pieces, no, it has to rip my world to shreds too. I had people around me that I trusted; I took them at their word. Pretty sad time to have trust broken as well as life as I knew it. It leaves this emptiness where not so fine emotions rush in to fill the void. Many have promised to be there for me, truthfully only a few were. For some bizarre reason, I accept that they turned their backs on me within weeks of my deepest sorrow. A trust that was already shaken becomes broken. I feel that loss keenly but in time, it is part of my new "˜normal.'
Loneliness is a big hurdle in this life now. When the one you love is gone, the loneliness is almost intolerable. That is true in break-up relationships, triple true in death. When it is a relationship break-up, you are aware that they are somewhere out there in the world and you could see them again. In death, I know there is no seeing her in this world. I am lonely for her voice, smile, laughter, hugs and kissing. In a crowd of a 20,000 I am alone, for I am the only one who knows my own mind, but it is never felt as keenly as it is when you lose someone. So many empty places now echo in the silence. You don't realize, until they are gone, just how big a space they occupied in your life.
I have always be a loner from childhood. Never cared much for crowds or even letting people too close to me. People have power to hurt, being alone takes that power away. I have allowed a few in to that place. I hold back parts of who I am and still give to those I love. Kelly taught me to give, to love, to share and to hurt more deeply than I ever thought it was possible to hurt. To lose one is to lose it all, to become alone again within. Loneliness has many shades and shadows. My heart craves for what was. This new life is terrifying.
Slowly, in time, I start to learn to live with this. Fighting it just makes me carry the sharp spikes of grief beyond the limits of my ability to survive. Yes, grief will always be there, loneliness will stay but I can walk upright. I can get use to anything if it lives with me long enough. It becomes bitter-sweet and a part of who I am. I am always aware that it is there, but it does not have to dominate every waking and sleeping moment. I will eventually find things to take my mind away be it a hobby or work or RUSH concerts. Maybe even helping others over the first humps of sorrow... something, anything to give proof of my existence.
Not long after Kelly died, I had family turn on me. The emotions that caused, along with my sorrow, was a bit shocking. Though the hurt could not come close to the loss of Kelly, it still caused more sadness on top of what I was already dealing with. It changed how I trust, accept, and interact with others. Death alone changes your world, but what comes with it helps destroy it. I learned hard lessons and I am rebuilding my life. It is not totally rebuilt, that will always be in progress. There is no hate for I don't have the room or patience for it. There is the loneliness, but I am learning to live with it. Sometimes, it jumps up and smacks me in the face. I stop for a while and then go on my way.
This week, I received communication from a few people out of my past. I am not so alone after all. They have been where I am and understand me. Knowing that few understand where I am, and where I am going is what makes this journey so lonely. It makes a difference when those who do not understand refrain from judging or giving advice. It makes a difference when they don't get it, but are still there for you. It makes the loneliness, less. I don't expect people to understand but I do expect them to accept, maybe my expectations are too high. So that is something I am working on. I am learning to turn my mind away from those who hurt me and more toward those who have supported me. I live with the loneliness I have for Kelly. I will not get a phone call or see her. That is loneliness that is alone in grief. The rest can sort itself out. The people I have met since Kelly's passing have been good, caring, decent people. The friends who care are wonderful.
As I stand in a sea of cheering happy people I'll make new friends all helping to break my shell a bit more and for a while I'll forget that I am alone I can get lost and enjoy the show remembering the good times making new happy memories.
I know there are many out there who have lost someone and feel so completely alone. Just telling you that you are not alone will not make you feel less so. Being around people who allow you to be you will. Finding people, who understand that loneliness, will. They are everywhere. Find them, for your sake.
'Forever a Husband.'
As I continue on my journey to finding myself the loneliness I feel weights on my heart and mind. Hoping somewhere out there I'll find that happiness once again, the struggle is real and never ending. The emotional strength it takes to push away the fear is exhausting and at times it knocks me down but it's something I must do if I want to be healthy again, to live again, and to love again.
I started to feel alone and abandoned in a pretty short time after Kelly's passing. Grief is a greedy monster. It is not satisfied with tearing my heart to pieces, no, it has to rip my world to shreds too. I had people around me that I trusted; I took them at their word. Pretty sad time to have trust broken as well as life as I knew it. It leaves this emptiness where not so fine emotions rush in to fill the void. Many have promised to be there for me, truthfully only a few were. For some bizarre reason, I accept that they turned their backs on me within weeks of my deepest sorrow. A trust that was already shaken becomes broken. I feel that loss keenly but in time, it is part of my new "˜normal.'
Loneliness is a big hurdle in this life now. When the one you love is gone, the loneliness is almost intolerable. That is true in break-up relationships, triple true in death. When it is a relationship break-up, you are aware that they are somewhere out there in the world and you could see them again. In death, I know there is no seeing her in this world. I am lonely for her voice, smile, laughter, hugs and kissing. In a crowd of a 20,000 I am alone, for I am the only one who knows my own mind, but it is never felt as keenly as it is when you lose someone. So many empty places now echo in the silence. You don't realize, until they are gone, just how big a space they occupied in your life.
I have always be a loner from childhood. Never cared much for crowds or even letting people too close to me. People have power to hurt, being alone takes that power away. I have allowed a few in to that place. I hold back parts of who I am and still give to those I love. Kelly taught me to give, to love, to share and to hurt more deeply than I ever thought it was possible to hurt. To lose one is to lose it all, to become alone again within. Loneliness has many shades and shadows. My heart craves for what was. This new life is terrifying.
Slowly, in time, I start to learn to live with this. Fighting it just makes me carry the sharp spikes of grief beyond the limits of my ability to survive. Yes, grief will always be there, loneliness will stay but I can walk upright. I can get use to anything if it lives with me long enough. It becomes bitter-sweet and a part of who I am. I am always aware that it is there, but it does not have to dominate every waking and sleeping moment. I will eventually find things to take my mind away be it a hobby or work or RUSH concerts. Maybe even helping others over the first humps of sorrow... something, anything to give proof of my existence.
Not long after Kelly died, I had family turn on me. The emotions that caused, along with my sorrow, was a bit shocking. Though the hurt could not come close to the loss of Kelly, it still caused more sadness on top of what I was already dealing with. It changed how I trust, accept, and interact with others. Death alone changes your world, but what comes with it helps destroy it. I learned hard lessons and I am rebuilding my life. It is not totally rebuilt, that will always be in progress. There is no hate for I don't have the room or patience for it. There is the loneliness, but I am learning to live with it. Sometimes, it jumps up and smacks me in the face. I stop for a while and then go on my way.
This week, I received communication from a few people out of my past. I am not so alone after all. They have been where I am and understand me. Knowing that few understand where I am, and where I am going is what makes this journey so lonely. It makes a difference when those who do not understand refrain from judging or giving advice. It makes a difference when they don't get it, but are still there for you. It makes the loneliness, less. I don't expect people to understand but I do expect them to accept, maybe my expectations are too high. So that is something I am working on. I am learning to turn my mind away from those who hurt me and more toward those who have supported me. I live with the loneliness I have for Kelly. I will not get a phone call or see her. That is loneliness that is alone in grief. The rest can sort itself out. The people I have met since Kelly's passing have been good, caring, decent people. The friends who care are wonderful.
As I stand in a sea of cheering happy people I'll make new friends all helping to break my shell a bit more and for a while I'll forget that I am alone I can get lost and enjoy the show remembering the good times making new happy memories.
I know there are many out there who have lost someone and feel so completely alone. Just telling you that you are not alone will not make you feel less so. Being around people who allow you to be you will. Finding people, who understand that loneliness, will. They are everywhere. Find them, for your sake.
'Forever a Husband.'
Mrs. Music
New member
The tank looks beautiful. Thinking of you.
I am new to the forum as of yesterday. I read thru this thread this evening. It started due to the interest in your tank which is amazing. It continued because of the love you and your wife shared.
Your writings are wonderful. Maybe your next adventure could be writing a book about grief. While I have not lost a spouse, by the time I was 42 I had lost my mother when I was 13, a neice when I was 10, my step mother when I was 30, a sister snd brother in law when i was 38 and my rock, my father, at 42. Greif is horrible. It can come out of no where at any time and bring you to your knees. Reading your thoughts helped me.
I am sorry for your loss and pain. I wish you the best. And, I do look forward to seeing how the tank progresses.
Patti
Your writings are wonderful. Maybe your next adventure could be writing a book about grief. While I have not lost a spouse, by the time I was 42 I had lost my mother when I was 13, a neice when I was 10, my step mother when I was 30, a sister snd brother in law when i was 38 and my rock, my father, at 42. Greif is horrible. It can come out of no where at any time and bring you to your knees. Reading your thoughts helped me.
I am sorry for your loss and pain. I wish you the best. And, I do look forward to seeing how the tank progresses.
Patti
Rybren
Well-known member
I share your pain. My wife passed away in August on her 60th birthday after fighting a valiant 18-month battle with cancer.
Although I cannot express my feelings as eloquently as you, I am completely devastated and lost. I still cannot look at a picture of my wife nor can I touch or move anything of hers. Our kids (23 and 25) are still at home with me, yet I feel so alone. They are also struggling with the loss of their beloved mother and as much as we share a common grief, we are like three independent islands in the house.
Reefkeeping has been my saviour. It has given me a purpose and something that I can have a level of control over. It's not much, but I'm happy that I have it.
Good luck to you and feel free to reach out if you find yourself needing to share with someone who is in a similar situation.
Jerry
Although I cannot express my feelings as eloquently as you, I am completely devastated and lost. I still cannot look at a picture of my wife nor can I touch or move anything of hers. Our kids (23 and 25) are still at home with me, yet I feel so alone. They are also struggling with the loss of their beloved mother and as much as we share a common grief, we are like three independent islands in the house.
Reefkeeping has been my saviour. It has given me a purpose and something that I can have a level of control over. It's not much, but I'm happy that I have it.
Good luck to you and feel free to reach out if you find yourself needing to share with someone who is in a similar situation.
Jerry
jdpiii3
Member
Becoming me. Again.
My wife left this world on June 2, 2013. This was the last day of my life. For the past 2years I have struggled daily with memories, guilt, remorse, anger, confusion and loneliness. Finally, I have been able to let go of most of these feelings. I was the best I could have been at that time with what I knew and had. I cannot apologize for loving someone as much as I did and still do. No, my life with my wife was not perfect. We made mistakes, we would fight and be angry at each other for days. But even in the heat of an argument we would care for each other’s feelings. Even during a fight we could find ways to still be silly, and make each other laugh. She made my heart flutter and I gave her chills with my smile. First love feeling were always there, it had never totally left. We kept that thought and I believe this is what kept us together. This grief thing is one twisted b###h.
Some of our friends have branded me as “The model of what a Good Spouse does”. Oh please, no titles. I was her husband. I am not a model of anything. nuh, uh. Not me. I believe, for me, you can get through what you have to. Some of it can sit on the side until you are ready to go through it, but it never goes away. Trust me, it multiplies until you deal with it. I did what needed to be done. That is it. Could I have done better? Of course. Would I do it again? Yes, no question. I immersed myself into taking care of anything my wife needed. I never thought of it as a sacrifice or a “job”, it was what needed to be done. Was it easy, um… no. But that didn’t matter to me. Not at that time. Still doesn’t.
During Kelly’s battle with her illness, anytime I had the nerve to vocalize how desperately tired I was, I was wracked with guilt. I clearly remember just wanting a few minutes to sleep and smacking myself awake knowing that I needed to spend as much time as I could with Kelly. I still see her eyes with tears in them when she looked at me and knew how exhausted I was. I would smile and do something silly, dance, sing, whatever, it didn’t matter.
I cannot believe our Anniversary is almost here, it will be my third without her. I have had to learn how to live my life over again. The world has lost its magic, now, I am a stranger on a strange planet and I am ready to get off of this world. I look at those I love, I know I still love them, but the glue has flaked away. The night Kelly passed away in my arms, it was an immediate change, not gradual, but immediate. My eyes see, my mind denies. A fog envelopes until you are ready to acknowledge what your eyes have told you. I'm not sure if I even realize that my mind was protecting me until I finally stepped out into the light again and looked back into the darkness. I shudder to think how much worse it might have been without that layer of protection? I cannot even imagine that it could be worse, with the horror already felt.
I wonder if that is why the second year seemed so much more painful. The veil that separated me is slowly lifting, allowing me to feel more. I don't want to feel more, but do know that it also dampened my feelings toward everything, not just her loss. Like getting the feeling back in a limb that went to sleep. Does that mean I am stronger now so I can take more? Whoa, I don't know, I don't feel stronger.
2 years. I go past the flowerbeds in my yard and I remember how beautiful and full of love they once were. Now my heart hurts to look at them and how overgrown they have become, 28 months. It makes me look back and see how much has happened over this time. How in the hell did I get here? I still cry on a near daily basis. It is a different cry from the gut wrenching first year. It is almost a new grieving. I know it is time for me to be me again. The face that everyone has been seeing is a façade. Putting on a smile every day when inside all I wanted was to do is curl up in a ball and cry, mourning for me. I cannot do that anymore. It has taken me 2 years to learn how to be me again.
I will miss Kelly for the rest of my f###ing life. That is a fact. I will grieve for my loss until… I don’t know how long. I will undoubtedly experience days of horrible sadness. Birthdays, Anniversaries and Holidays will continue to pass. I want to live again. I can no longer just “survive”. Kelly fell in love with the clever, quick witted, sometimes hysterically funny, compassionate, hardworking, family loving, man from Northport. She loved the energy I put into everything. She admired my enthusiasm. And my “I can do anything” attitude. She “got” me. How am I honoring her memory by disguising myself? This woman, whose energy and spirit envelops me, would want me to be Joseph. She sees my struggles. I have had some very comforting “visits” from my wife. Each one brings a significant meaning or “message” for me. I would never expect anyone to understand them. She does not want this for me.
I believe people are brought into my life at the exact moment they are supposed to. In my mind, this epiphany is happening at the exact moment it is supposed to. I was not in a place before now where this was an option. I am not ashamed to admit that I have sought professional guidance. One of the best things I have done for me. Grief is as individual as the person we mourn. There is no one size answer. When it is time to “get it” you will. Grief is part of a life lesson.
For so long after Kelly’s death, I have looked at the future spinning out before me, empty. To conceive that it would be my life now without her anywhere in the world. It brought home what 'live in the moment' means. I could die now, or not for many years. Grief can hold me spell bound, unable to move. The fear of the years ahead, the fear of losing others. In the big scope of things, living another hundred years would still be just a tiny drop in the bucket of time. Even though it is hard to drag my mind away, I am learning to live in the moment. I am learning to incorporate grief into my life so it does not rule my every waking thought. It is there, but it does not have to cloud everything. My future is not empty, I just don't know what’s in it. More mystery to contemplate.
I have been through hell. Truly. Honest to God, I look over the past 2 years and I am completely speechless. Befuddled. I have experienced every emotion and the bruises are still healing. I have doubted my existence and questioned my actions long enough. I am trying not to do this anymore. I have to learn to give myself permission to release these feelings.
Two years ago, my wife Kelly went to Heaven. Today I grieve and celebrate. Not just for her. For me too. Today I resume being the person I have always been, just a bit different. A bit older and wiser but the person she fell in love with all those years ago. Words may fail me, but yet there are so many that do know what I am trying to say. I will continue trying to say it because maybe one day, I will accidentally run across the right words and my pain will be validated. I’m taking the steps needed back into my life. Deep breath, it's time for me.
Forever a Husband.
My wife left this world on June 2, 2013. This was the last day of my life. For the past 2years I have struggled daily with memories, guilt, remorse, anger, confusion and loneliness. Finally, I have been able to let go of most of these feelings. I was the best I could have been at that time with what I knew and had. I cannot apologize for loving someone as much as I did and still do. No, my life with my wife was not perfect. We made mistakes, we would fight and be angry at each other for days. But even in the heat of an argument we would care for each other’s feelings. Even during a fight we could find ways to still be silly, and make each other laugh. She made my heart flutter and I gave her chills with my smile. First love feeling were always there, it had never totally left. We kept that thought and I believe this is what kept us together. This grief thing is one twisted b###h.
Some of our friends have branded me as “The model of what a Good Spouse does”. Oh please, no titles. I was her husband. I am not a model of anything. nuh, uh. Not me. I believe, for me, you can get through what you have to. Some of it can sit on the side until you are ready to go through it, but it never goes away. Trust me, it multiplies until you deal with it. I did what needed to be done. That is it. Could I have done better? Of course. Would I do it again? Yes, no question. I immersed myself into taking care of anything my wife needed. I never thought of it as a sacrifice or a “job”, it was what needed to be done. Was it easy, um… no. But that didn’t matter to me. Not at that time. Still doesn’t.
During Kelly’s battle with her illness, anytime I had the nerve to vocalize how desperately tired I was, I was wracked with guilt. I clearly remember just wanting a few minutes to sleep and smacking myself awake knowing that I needed to spend as much time as I could with Kelly. I still see her eyes with tears in them when she looked at me and knew how exhausted I was. I would smile and do something silly, dance, sing, whatever, it didn’t matter.
I cannot believe our Anniversary is almost here, it will be my third without her. I have had to learn how to live my life over again. The world has lost its magic, now, I am a stranger on a strange planet and I am ready to get off of this world. I look at those I love, I know I still love them, but the glue has flaked away. The night Kelly passed away in my arms, it was an immediate change, not gradual, but immediate. My eyes see, my mind denies. A fog envelopes until you are ready to acknowledge what your eyes have told you. I'm not sure if I even realize that my mind was protecting me until I finally stepped out into the light again and looked back into the darkness. I shudder to think how much worse it might have been without that layer of protection? I cannot even imagine that it could be worse, with the horror already felt.
I wonder if that is why the second year seemed so much more painful. The veil that separated me is slowly lifting, allowing me to feel more. I don't want to feel more, but do know that it also dampened my feelings toward everything, not just her loss. Like getting the feeling back in a limb that went to sleep. Does that mean I am stronger now so I can take more? Whoa, I don't know, I don't feel stronger.
2 years. I go past the flowerbeds in my yard and I remember how beautiful and full of love they once were. Now my heart hurts to look at them and how overgrown they have become, 28 months. It makes me look back and see how much has happened over this time. How in the hell did I get here? I still cry on a near daily basis. It is a different cry from the gut wrenching first year. It is almost a new grieving. I know it is time for me to be me again. The face that everyone has been seeing is a façade. Putting on a smile every day when inside all I wanted was to do is curl up in a ball and cry, mourning for me. I cannot do that anymore. It has taken me 2 years to learn how to be me again.
I will miss Kelly for the rest of my f###ing life. That is a fact. I will grieve for my loss until… I don’t know how long. I will undoubtedly experience days of horrible sadness. Birthdays, Anniversaries and Holidays will continue to pass. I want to live again. I can no longer just “survive”. Kelly fell in love with the clever, quick witted, sometimes hysterically funny, compassionate, hardworking, family loving, man from Northport. She loved the energy I put into everything. She admired my enthusiasm. And my “I can do anything” attitude. She “got” me. How am I honoring her memory by disguising myself? This woman, whose energy and spirit envelops me, would want me to be Joseph. She sees my struggles. I have had some very comforting “visits” from my wife. Each one brings a significant meaning or “message” for me. I would never expect anyone to understand them. She does not want this for me.
I believe people are brought into my life at the exact moment they are supposed to. In my mind, this epiphany is happening at the exact moment it is supposed to. I was not in a place before now where this was an option. I am not ashamed to admit that I have sought professional guidance. One of the best things I have done for me. Grief is as individual as the person we mourn. There is no one size answer. When it is time to “get it” you will. Grief is part of a life lesson.
For so long after Kelly’s death, I have looked at the future spinning out before me, empty. To conceive that it would be my life now without her anywhere in the world. It brought home what 'live in the moment' means. I could die now, or not for many years. Grief can hold me spell bound, unable to move. The fear of the years ahead, the fear of losing others. In the big scope of things, living another hundred years would still be just a tiny drop in the bucket of time. Even though it is hard to drag my mind away, I am learning to live in the moment. I am learning to incorporate grief into my life so it does not rule my every waking thought. It is there, but it does not have to cloud everything. My future is not empty, I just don't know what’s in it. More mystery to contemplate.
I have been through hell. Truly. Honest to God, I look over the past 2 years and I am completely speechless. Befuddled. I have experienced every emotion and the bruises are still healing. I have doubted my existence and questioned my actions long enough. I am trying not to do this anymore. I have to learn to give myself permission to release these feelings.
Two years ago, my wife Kelly went to Heaven. Today I grieve and celebrate. Not just for her. For me too. Today I resume being the person I have always been, just a bit different. A bit older and wiser but the person she fell in love with all those years ago. Words may fail me, but yet there are so many that do know what I am trying to say. I will continue trying to say it because maybe one day, I will accidentally run across the right words and my pain will be validated. I’m taking the steps needed back into my life. Deep breath, it's time for me.
Forever a Husband.
Best wishes
Best wishes
I read this thread start to finish this morning and I want to post that you are in my thoughts. I wish you all the best in your journey and thank you for sharing it with us.
I am sorry that I am woefully lacking in ability to contribute more. You will be in my thoughts for quite sometime, and I truly wish you the best.
Best wishes
I read this thread start to finish this morning and I want to post that you are in my thoughts. I wish you all the best in your journey and thank you for sharing it with us.
I am sorry that I am woefully lacking in ability to contribute more. You will be in my thoughts for quite sometime, and I truly wish you the best.
Arkayne Reefer
Member
Godspeed to you on your journey.
